Do you have that in my size???

No more tired

2012-01-22T21:57:00.000-08:00

I'm doing something I don't usually do when I write here: I'm writing without a title and hoping the words will bring something clever to mind. I know it's silly but about half of my writer's block is caused by my not being able to figure out a title or theme on a day when I would otherwise write here. If I can't figure something out tonight, I'll publish it anyway because I'm tired of being missing in action.

Other things I'm tired of?

I'm tired of saying:
"We need to stop eating out for every meal."
"I need to take control of my health."
"Why can't I find just 30 minutes a day to exercise?"

I'm tired of my pants and skirts cutting off my circulation unless they have elastic.

I'm tired of worrying about whether or not the seatbelt on the plane I'll take to Nashville next month will make it around my belly or if I'll have to ask the attendant for the extension.

I'm tired of feeling dumpy and dowdy next to my husband.

I'm tired of comparing myself to friends and always feeling inadequate.

But I can't solve the problems of my world overnight, all at once. As much as it goes against my perfectionist soul, this journey has to start with a single step.

What is a small thing that I can change that will immediately have an impact and make me feel better?

There are plenty of things that need changing (the above is only a partial list), but I really think that finding 30 minutes a day for MODERATE exercise is where I ought to start. Slow, steady, gentle movement with perhaps just a titch of Zumba thrown in every once in a while should loosen the waistbands on my pants and skirts just enough to let me wear them again not to mention the benefit for my blood sugar readings.

I know myself well enough to know that I need a plan for how to fit the 30 minutes into my day or else I just won't do it. Tomorrow I'll take my walking shoes to work and make time for three laps around the walking path at some point during the day then come here to report back how it went.

Other things that I have to do tomorrow include paying the bills that were supposed to be paid before the 15th (we'll work on the procrastination at some point), go to the lab for my blood work and urine tests (yay diabetes!), do a few more loads of laundry, and send back a lovely top from eloquii so that I can get a smaller size (believe it or not). And that's not including what they pay me to do for work.

I think it's time for bed, so night night!

Impact

2012-01-11T11:01:00.000-08:00

My ego took a little blow yesterday. I had applied for a position on a prestigious committee with a charitable organization I'm a part of and I wasn't chosen. It was something that the entire organization (~400 women) voted on, there were eight candidates for four positions, and I wasn't chosen. I'll be honest, it hurt.

Once the phone call came in, TCB asked, "What do you want to do now?," and I didn't know how to answer. My first inclination was to grab some food, go up to bed, and have a good cry. Then I thought about resigning (briefly) before I remembered that I've been part of this group for seven years now and have done and learned a lot during that time - you don't just quit something that's been such a big part of your life for such a long time.

So what DO I want to do?

I'm not sure, yet. I don't want to quit but how much time do I want to devote to this group going forward? I have health goals that I must work on this year as well as personal goals that include going back to school and finishing up a degree, and I really shouldn't sign on for anything that's going to impede my progress on those things. But I know that I can't just live for myself because that's not in line with my personality - I need to help others in order to feel happy and fulfilled in my own life.

I've sent an email to one of the organization's leaders, someone I'm confident knows my value and skills well, to ask for her advice about where to go for with my plans for next year and we'll see what she has to say. I know for sure that I'm not going to quit but I think the only way to push past last night's disappointment is to make a strong commitment in a different direction.

20 Things About Me: The Blissdom Newbie Edition

2012-01-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

In about a month and a half, I'll be boarding a plane for Nashville, Tennessee and the Blissdom conference. I'm a little nervous because I won't know anyone and because all of the ladies who are attending really seem to have their stuff together, but I'm trying to see it as a chance to get out and meet wonderful women who already do what I want to do: write clever or useful or insightful blog posts. Today's post is a way to start meeting other attendees and it might also contain information about me that you didn't already know.

1. I'm married to a retired Navy sailor. We are both active in our community to support active duty military and veterans and their families because we know that it's not always easy to serve.

2. I'm a Project Manager for a software company and have been for 17 years. We get very, very busy between the beginning of December and mid-April so my posting is even more sporadic than usual during that time.

3. I started this blog when I was divorced and directionless; one of those things is no longer true.

4. I am Mom to two cats, one Pug, and a wonderful 19-year daughter who goes to school 550 miles from home. Her four brothers will also sometimes make appearances here.

5. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes in 1996 and, after having it under control with diet and exercise for a little while, I'm now struggling to find the right combination of drugs to keep my blood sugars in tight control. It would probably also help if I could manage to eat small amounts of healthy foods and get some exercise every once in a while. (I'm working on it!)

6. I don't love Facebook but I am a Twitter addict. (You can follow me there by clicking on the little bird on the right sidebar.)

7. I'm an only child and I like my solitude, so my real friends are those who understand that sometimes I need quality "me" time.

8. I am craft-challenged. I don't have a creative bone in my body except when it comes to creative writing and putting together outfits that embarrass my children. I keep trying new things hoping something will bring out my inner Martha Stewart but no success yet.

9. I'm a member of the Junior League of San Diego. Most of my good friends are also members there and together we have a lot of fun while helping out the communities where we live. This year I am on the A La Carte committee and we are currently planning for our Spring Style Soiree on April 5 - it's a fashion show for a great cause!

10. What I want to bring home from Blissdom:
a. A plan that will help me write here more frequently
b. Ideas about how to live a more blissful life
c. New, like-minded (and possibly some who are totally different from me) friends
d. Some fun new experiences (and pictures) to share here

Achieving Goals

2012-01-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

This post is written as part of the 6 Weeks of Bliss Challenge, hosted by Bliss Connect. I am not being compensated in any way for writing this other than being given an interesting topic that actually makes me want to write, and all thoughts expressed here are my own.

I'll be honest: I'm not much for sticking with things. Ever since my mother freed me from my required piano lessons when I turned 12, I'm a notorious quitter. Wish it weren't so but I'm 44 now and I'm not sure how much I can do about that.

Given that sad truth, I haven't really been much for setting goals and seeing them through. With that in mind, I did sit down around New Year's to think about what I wanted to achieve in 2012 and it basically boiled down to this: wake up every morning determined to be as happy and healthy as I can. In order to get there, here's what I will do to get there:

1. 30 minutes of activity, non-negotiable, most days - no more, no less. I think I probably need to focus on getting it done in the morning before the day gets away from me and that way if I manage to get something else done in the afternoon then it will be like icing on the cake. (Mmmm, cake.) I will Tweet and blog what I have done for my 30 minutes each day for accountability. Please yell at me on Twitter or in the comments if you don't hear from me.

2. I am going to sign up for a mindfulness based stress reduction class at my Alma mater, UC San Diego. Stress and anxiety are both part of why I binge eat and I'd like to find something not as self-destructive as binge eating that will help me relax.

3. I called the property management company yesterday to see about getting a new plot in the community garden. I want to plant veggies that I like to eat and hopefully that will be further motivation to cook at home. As a matter of fact, I'm pledging to cook at home one night a week and I will Tweet and blog about that each week. Keep me accountable, please!

And that's it. I will check in every so often - at least once per quarter - to see how I'm doing and see if I am ready to add anything else. This isn't about checking off boxes, though, it's about getting me to a happier and healthier place, whatever that means to me as I grow and change, so my commitments will also need to be flexible.

Let's ride a bike

2011-12-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

This post is written as part of the 6 Weeks of Bliss Challenge, hosted by Bliss Connect. I am not being compensated in any way for writing this other than being given an interesting topic that actually makes me want to write, and all thoughts expressed here are my own.

I have many items on my wish list this year, mostly because Mick needs a variety from which to choose. Several of them are health and fitness related, including workout clothes from AdoraOm - because I hate looking frumpy while working out (it's bad enough that I have to work out, why should I have to look ugly/unstylish while doing it?) and a diabetic cookbook so that I can do more cooking and less eating out. One health and fitness item that did NOT make my gift list this year although I desperately need it is a bike computer. Let me explain.

Last year I decided to ride in a Tour de Cure event early in May, so I started riding a bike again for the first time since elementary school. I had no idea how much stuff I'd need to really do things right, so last spring was spent (quite literally, spent) buying things I'd need: new bike, new helmet, riding gloves, bike pants (owwie, my butt!), riding jersey, rear view mirror for my bike, a bike carrier for the car. You get the idea. There was so much stuff to buy that I was sort of in shock, to be honest, but the one item that I really needed and never bought was a bike computer so that I could keep track of how far I'd ridden (sort of important when you're following a training schedule for a distance event. I got overwhelmed with everything else that had to be bought and never got to the bike computer, which was OK last year because Mick and Angeleen - our training buddy - both had computers on their bikes and I always rode with them.

This year it appears that I may be doing some, if not all, of my rides solo, so I really need that bike computer. I've looked at several online but I don't know which is best. If you ride or know someone who does, would you mind leaving your recommendations in the comments or on Twitter (@lottalatte)? Thanks!

First contender: Garmin Edge 500.

Pros: tracks your distance, speed, location, elevation, and heart rate. Attaches easily to handlebar.

Con: Expensive (starts at $250)

Second option: Polar CS500.

Pros: Everything from the Garmin except the easy attaching to handlebars. Will work with my pedometer/activity rewards program for work (you get credit for being active and can earn real money).

Con: Expensive (~$300)

Third option: SIGMA SPORT BC909.

Pros: Offers speed, cadence and heart rate calculations—all wirelessly. Easily installed.

Con: Not very durable (a real problem given that I'm prone to tipping over while biking.

So there you are. I'd like to have my new computer by the first of the year since that's when I'll need to start training for the 2012 Tour de Cure, so please send your thoughts.

Heaven on Earth

2011-12-20T18:28:00.000-08:00

We arrived at the Lake Austin Spa Resort today and while I remembered how much I've loved it each time I've visited, it's even more wonderful than I remembered. The Christmas decorations add to what is already a beautiful, restful environment and the chilly air makes me want to sit quietly and reflect as life goes by. This is by far the best gift I've ever received and I'm going to enjoy the heck out of it.

I didn't bring either my point and shoot or DLSR cameras, so it's just me and my iPhone to try to capture every amazing vista and wonderful experience. I know it's going to be wholly inadequate, but I'll try.

On travel

2011-12-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

This post is written as part of the 6 Weeks of Bliss Challenge, hosted by Bliss Connect. I am not being compensated in any way for writing this other than being given an interesting topic that actually makes me want to write, and all thoughts expressed here are my own.

I love to travel. I have always loved to travel. By plane, train, or automobile, I just love the adventure of packing yourself up and going somewhere different.

I think it probably started at a very young age. My mother took me to England to see my grandmother for the very first time when I was less than six months old and the rest is pretty much history. Every other summer until I was six, we'd go back to England to visit Grandma, Then, starting with my seventh summer, on alternating years, I'd be packed up to go and visit my father's parents in Hawaii. Yes, it was a rough existence for a sensitive child. (Ha!)

I have been a little obsessed with the new television show, PanAm, because it reminds me of what it was like to travel when I was a child. We always had to dress nicely for the plane, the stewardesses were glamorous, and they served you meals on real china with silverware. While very little of that in-flight experience still exists today - sometimes I wonder if my fellow passengers have even showered - my love of traveling still sparkles brightly.

This year I've been blessed to take several great trips - Spring Training in Phoenix with Mick in February, Fitbloggin in Baltimore in May, a visit with Candace in Davis in June, Disneyland for a 5K in September followed by Disneyland for Thanksgiving just last month - and they've all been wonderful. My travel for the year isn't over yet, though, as I've got a trip next week to the Lake Austin Spa Resort in Austin, Texas for almost a week courtesy of my dear friend, Tracy.

On Monday night, I'll fly to Dallas to meet up with Tracy and stay overnight before we catch our plane to Austin on Tuesday morning. Tuesday just after noon we'll arrive at the resort and my brain will completely shut off to anything except relaxation and happiness until Friday night when they'll kick us back out to reality and a one night stay at a hotel in Austin. Saturday morning we'll both fly off on our separate ways and I'll be home by noon on Christmas Eve.

To be able to climb into a metal tube and be transported to a completely different place is still magic to me. Even with all of the post-9/11 security and the cutbacks on civility and elegance en route, I feel a little tingle of anticipation just before a trip begins and my memories of the experience linger long after I'm back home again.

On Blogging

2011-12-09T06:57:00.000-08:00

Hi all, I'm participating in the 6 Weeks of Bliss Challenge on Bliss Connect and this post is part of that project. I'm not being compensated in any way except with the sense of satisfaction that comes from writing something I might actually be proud to let my Grandma read.

I started blogging as a way to get the chaos that was then occupying my head out of there and onto paper. Yes, paper. When I was a kid, whenever I was angry, frustrated, sad, whatever, my mom told me to go and write about it because I'd feel better once I was done; she was always right. So there I was, a little over eight years ago, looking for a way to get that same quick fix as an adult but I didn't want to take the time to hand write it all down. I type all day at my job, so that was my preferred method of writing. I did a quick search on the Internet, found the site that I'm still using to host this journal today, and started off. Through the years while I've cycled through various themes and topics - from weight loss to dating to long distance relationships - my original motivation is still there: to find a way to calm my racing thoughts.

Since I began blogging, I've been fortunate to find some fantastic women who inspire me. While they are a diverse group, what they have in common is unflinching honesty and great writing skills. I don't care if you've lost 5, 10, 15, or 150 pounds, what I want when I read your blog is to get a glimpse into your struggles, your victories (weight related or not), and what makes you keep pushing on with the journey to better health. These sites embody all of those crucial qualities for me.

Shauna from The Adventures of Dietgirl. Shauna was one of the first blogs I discovered and I've been hooked ever since. Honesty, humor, and the ring of truth that only comes from the continuing struggle to keep off well over 100 pounds for many years now. This year she decided to challenge herself by learning to ride a bike again and completing a bike riding event - no mean feat I can tell you from first-hand experience. I love Shauna and I'm keeping my fingers crossed for our East Coast road trip next September.

Erin, formerly of Lose the Buddha, now writing at ejshea.com. Erin was one of the next blogs I found after I found Shauna's. Her writing is also forthright and insightful, and while her blog isn't as focused on weight loss as it used to be - whose is? - she still teaches lessons through what she shares with her readers about how to maintain a large weight loss. Recently she also added in a beautiful new baby girl and has been working through taking off the baby weight while also being a new mom. Great stuff.

Lori, formerly of Tales of the Bathroom Scale, now blogging anonymously. Right up there with Shauna and Erin is Lori. I used to rush home every night to read her latest entry about her struggles to first take then keep off more than 50 pounds while also being a single girl in the world. I was doing much the same thing on the opposite coast and her writing made me feel as though I was right there with her. When she found MLG (my lawyer guy) and they got married, I cheered her on from the comfort of my living room in San Diego. Wish she still blogged publicly because she's a real treat to read.

Marla, blogging anonymously. Marla has had so many different blogs over the years that I can only remember the names of about half of them, but they all featured her great writing, unshakeable desire to live a healthy lifestyle at whatever weight she's at (stupid scale anyway), and unwillingness to let the challenges thrown at her derail her healthy eating and weight training routines. If Shauna makes it over here in September, we're starting our road trip at Marla's front door!

Lorrie, from The Token Fat Girl. Lorrie is a recent addition to my blog reading but it was like a homecoming of sorts. Her site reminds me of some of the "old timer" weight loss/healthy lifestyle blogs I used to read that are gone with the wind now. Yes, she does have advertisements on her site but she doesn't blog incessantly about them and she writes great posts like this one, a recent favorite of mine. If you're not already reading her, give it a whirl.

And there you have it: a tiny glimpse into why I started here and why I press onward even when my posting schedule is somewhat erratic. (Perhaps not really "somewhat" anymore.) While I don't read blogs or write mine nearly as regularly as I used to, I love that the Blogosphere is always here for me when I need it.

Bust

2011-11-29T11:21:00.001-08:00

I tried to post something every day in November, but my ambition was not matched with an equal amount of inspiration, I'm afraid. That's right, I'm officially tossing in the towel for NaBloPoMo 2011.

You might have surmised something like this was coming since I haven't posted in several days. I just couldn't keep posting last-minute, no purpose entries that embarrassed me with their "I'm posting just to post" desperation. I just couldn't. This is supposed to be a work of love for me and love can't be forced.

I'll go back to my sporadic, unpredictable, but totally my own thoughts posting schedule again tomorrow. Or maybe Saturday.

Beautiful day

2011-11-26T22:58:00.000-08:00

It was a perfect day in Anaheim yesterday: perfect blue skies, perfect high of 70F, and perfect family.

Our second day at Disneyland was just as good as the first. We wore our matching gingerbread Mickey House ears everywhere and kept hearing people tell us how cute we looked and ask where we found them. We ate yummy beighnets (powdered French doughnuts from New Orleans). We went on fun, favorite rides like Pirates of the Caribbean, it's a small world, Soarin' Over California, Tower of Terror (Candace only!), and Grizzly Rapids (Mick and Candace only). We stood in the perfect spot on Main Street to watch the fireworks and experience the snow.

There were huge crowds compared to Thanksgiving Day and we still had a great time. Our feet hurt and we still had a great time. It took us 90 minutes to find somewhere to eat that wasn't booked solid until 8:30 pm and we still had a great time.

Great new holiday tradition for our family, I think. Definitely one of the best two-day vacations ever.

(Will post pictures once I get home and can download from my camera.)

Gratuitous gratitude

2011-11-24T22:16:00.001-08:00

It's Thanksgiving, so you're supposed to write the big "What I'm Grateful For" blog post and I hate to disappoint, so here's my take.

I am so incredibly grateful that I was able to spend the whole day today with the two people I love most in the world: my husband and our daughter. As soon as I can get my phone charged sufficiently to transfer a picture over, I'm going to post a picture of the two of them on the sailing ship Columbia at Disneyland today. And then I'll post a picture of the three of us with Goofy before dinner with all three of us sporting our matching gingerbread man holiday mouse ears (personalized with our names, of course).

Candace said it was the best day ever and I think she's probably right. Definitely the best Thanksgiving ever.

Full

2011-11-23T22:03:00.001-08:00

My house is so full of love right now that it feels as though it might burst. It's not just the physical space that's full, either, it's the emotional space, too - love is everywhere.

Our girl is home from school safely. After a dramatic 10 days at UC Davis, this is even sweeter than normal. TCB is home after a day of working on a project for one of his volunteer positions. And I had the whole day off after running Alouysius up to his trainer/Pug sitter's house in Temecula (about 45 minutes north of us) and used every minute to finish errands that have been hounding me for weeks.

We're all home and more than ready to set off on our Thanksgiving adventure at Disneyland. Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait! It's like Christmas Eve and waiting for Santa (if Santa lived at Disneyland instead of the North Pole). Will there be lots of Disney pictures this weekend? Stay tuned!

A tale of two things (that I covet)

2011-11-22T22:58:00.001-08:00

I live in San Diego. It rarely gets below 40 here at night let alone during the day. I already own five coats - which is probably four more than I really need - but I covet another one. I'm currently torn between two gorgeous coats and don't know which to choose.

Candidate #1 is from Eloquii. It's $108 after a $50 coupon and I love it because it's short and stylish and I think it might be pretty flattering for my body type.

Candidate #2 is from Macy's. It's $87 on sale and I love it because it's got a great banding detail at the waist and is designed to make me look like I have a waist. Plus I love the color (Ivory).

Which one do you like best and am I crazy for contemplating yet another jacket?

At peace

2011-11-21T22:33:00.001-08:00

Long, tough day at work. Can't talk about it. Still OK over here, though. Still keeping my balance.

Day by day

2011-11-20T21:18:00.001-08:00

I was going to write about how boring my day was but then it struck me that boring isn't actually a bad thing. It wasn't sad, I wasn't depressed at any point, it just wasn't a laugh-riot, action-packed kind of day. But for someone with even mild manic depression, to have just a boring day - I think! - is a sign that you're in remission. Let me see if I can make sense of this:

You're probably all very familiar with the symptoms of depression: lack of appetite or eating too much (it's different for different people), sleeping poorly or too much, lack of interest in any type of activity, deep, unrelenting sadness. Less familiar is the mania side of the equation, especially if it's really mild like mine is, so here's what it can look like: a feeling of elation, of being on top of the world, of wanting to do every single fun thing RIGHT NOW. The transition between the two (mania and depression) is really wretched and it leaves me feeling even worse when I realize - as I usually do pretty quickly now that I know to look for it - that I'm not actually feeling wonderful, it's just the disease talking. Depression times two descends even more deeply as I realize how messed up things are in my head.

But for weeks now, I haven't had the crazy swings. No super lows, no mild highs, just what I think might be normalcy. It's hard for me to know what normal looks like because it's been such a long time since I felt it = have I ever really felt it? - but I think having a plain, old boring day without feeling the darkness or the desire to overcompensate with the mania is a really, really good sign.

It's OK to be bored or sad or frustrated. Maybe one day I'll feel happy. Maybe not. For now I'll take "normal".

Not worthy of a title

2011-11-19T22:24:00.001-08:00

I had a boring day today. Went out to breakfast, came home to watch some TV and snuggle with my pug, took a four hour nap, then went to dinner with friends of Mick's. Not the most fascinating day but at least I got some sleep!

Reinvention

2011-11-18T21:30:00.001-08:00

I attended a really interesting all-day work function today. I'm super tired and still processing through everything I heard and saw, so it's going to have to wait until tomorrow for a proper write-up, but I'll give you one little teaser - my favorite quote of the day: "Enjoy you!"

And with that, I'm off to enjoy bed - toodles.

Tough day

2011-11-17T21:43:00.001-08:00

I'm still learning how to handle intense emotions. It's like I've got training wheels on my emotional self management. But at least I know what to do now when the darkness starts to wrap itself around me - I use positive alternate thoughts to counter my distorted thoughts.

For me that means reminding myself that I'm a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter, and a good friend. That I am not alone even if no one happens to be with me at the moment. And that I'm loved and loveable. Sounds crazy, right? But I promise you that it works. Better than antidepressants. Way better than binge shopping, binge eating, or binge anything, really.

So I still feel sad and that's OK, but I don't feel that crushing sadness that makes me question whether I deserve to exist, so I'll keep talking to myself because it works.

Discouraged but unbroken

2011-11-16T22:05:00.001-08:00

And just like that, after weeks of just being content - not too happy, not sad - suddenly, tonight after dinner, I'm feeling the familiar pull of depression. The seductive song that tells me to just let go because it's not worth fighting it off. I can think of several reasons for this "relapse" including hormones but it doesn't matter because I'm not giving in. Do you hear that, depression, I'm not giving in!

Yes, it's unsettling to realize how easily I could let myself go back there and it's real work to keep myself on the un-crazy side of that fine line, but I know what it looks like so I know how to fight it. And I'm fighting. Inside my head, inside my heart, I just keep telling myself that I'm not alone, I'm not a failure, and other people's bad moods are not (always) my fault so there's no need to let them knock me off the rails.

I'm a sensitive person and I always seem to try to "fix" everyone's bad moods but that's got to stop. It's going to stop, do you hear?!! I'm 44 years old now, for goodness sake, and it's time that I started to leave others to their bad/sad/angry moods and just worry about me. So, if you want to be a jerk and make me feel bad about myself, that's on you because I'm not playing anymore.

My lucky day

2011-11-15T22:22:00.000-08:00

Mondays are not usually my favorite day. I don't think they're really ANYone's favorite day, but yesterday morning I could feel in my heart that it would be a good day and the start of a great week. And for once, I think I was right!

Exhibit A - As I was preparing to cry upon finding that I'd waited too long to call for Thanksgiving Dinner reservations at the Disneyland Hotel and there was not a single seat to be had, Pam - the Guest Services Specialist on the other end of the phone - practically yelled with excitement, "Wait, how many were in your party? I just saw a cancellation at 7:30 pm pop up on my screen." After signing me up for said new opening for three for dinner, Pam told me that she hadn't seen any open seats for Thanksgiving in over a week and that it "must be meant to be" because I had just gotten incredibly lucky.

Exhibit B - When I got home, there was a package waiting for me from Mrs. Meyer's Clean Day, the folks who make my favorite laundry detergent, hand soap, and liquid dish detergent. Upon opening, I was informed that - out of thousands of entries - I'd won one of fifty all-cotton laundry bags adorned with their cute laundry logo and designed to carry a single load of laundry to the laundry room. Seriously, what are the odds?

Exhibit C - I was given another day of an extraordinarily blessed life to live. Best gift of all.

World Diabetes Day

2011-11-14T06:25:00.001-08:00

From Wikipedia:

World Diabetes Day is the primary global awareness campaign of the diabetes mellitus world and is held on November 14 of each year. It was introduced in 1991 by the International Diabetes Federation and the World Health Organization in response to the alarming rise of diabetes around the world. World Diabetes Day is a campaign that features a new theme chosen by the International Diabetes Federation each year to address issues facing the global diabetes community. While the campaigns last the whole year, the day itself marks the birthday of Frederick Bantingwho, along with Charles Best, first conceived the idea which led to the discovery of insulin in 1922.

This will be the first year that I observe World Diabetes Day (WDD). I'm not sure how I managed to be diabetic for 15 years before I heard that WDD existed but so be it. Still, if I haven't heard of it and I'm in the group it's supposed to be aimed at then how many non-diabetics know of it?

From the World Diabetes Day website:

Diabetes kills: 1 person every 8 seconds, 4 million people a year
Diabetes does not discriminate: all ages, rich and poor, all countries
Diabetes can no longer be ignored: 4 million lives lost a year, 1 million amputations a year, millions lost in income and productivity

Twenty-six million Americans alone have diabetes and the figures worldwide are close to 300 million. Three hundred million people across the globe, many without access to the medications, testing technologies, and medical personnel they need to stay alive. I'm not putting down any other disease or worthy cause, but those numbers are staggering and they deserve more attention. More attention and more money.

So today I'll be wearing as much blue as I can find in my closet that will fit me (I'm having expanding stomach issues, i.e. I've gained a few pounds in my midsection) and telling everyone who will listen why I'm doing it. I'm also going to ask whoever reads this today (Monday, November 14) to link to this post (or one of your own) and Tweet or Facebook the message, too. For the estimated 8 million American diabetics who are still undiagnosed, please think about it.

Something I want

2011-11-13T22:01:00.001-08:00

I am in love with this belt from Eloquii, a new plus size clothing line from The Limited. Of course it's only online - why would fat girls want to go to a store to see and touch clothes before buying them? - but I've already purchased three items from their site and I was so pleased with all of them that I'm thinking of going back for more. Possibly starting with this belt.

Who is this person and why is she thinking about putting a skinny belt around this huge stomach? Got me, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

I'm also sort of in love with this as well, and I've never even thought about buying a leather jacket before. Do you suppose this could be the female version of the mid-life crisis? At least it's not an embarrassingly bright red sports car, right?

Standing up

2011-11-12T23:00:00.000-08:00

For too long I was ashamed of my diabetes. I rarely if ever spoke of it here and I NEVER spoke of it in real life. Never. I have since found that I'm not alone in the shame I feel about having diabetes and that many Type II diabetics feel the same way, mostly, we hypothesize, because there's a school of thought that says that our obesity caused our diabetes and we're afraid that people will think it's "our fault" that we are diabetic because - stop me if you've heard this one before in any struggle with food, eating, and weight that you've had in your own life - "you would have been fine if you had even a shred of self control and exercised regularly".

What I'm learning as I "come out" to the world as a Type II diabetic is that I didn't do anything to deserve this disease. NO ONE has ever, in the history of the world, done anything to deserve this disease. It happens and it sucks and it never goes away. I know you all know what it's like to try to lose large amounts of weight - either from personal experience or from your blog reading - and how hard it is to always make the right food choices in the right quantities plus exercise at least an hour a day (that's what the government says we're supposed to be doing if we want to lose weight), so imagine what it's like to have all of that to deal with PLUS all of the restrictions on how many carbohydrates you can eat with each meal (30-45 grams, which sounds like a lot until you look at a typical American meal).

I went to a great conference today for all types of diabetics and the people who love and live with them, and once again, no one there looked ashamed at all. In fact, when I was chatting with people at my lunch table about the shame I used to (and sometimes still do) feel about my diabetes, they all looked puzzled and asked, "What were you ashamed of?"

I listened to Phil Southerland, a Type 1 diabetic whose mother was told that he wouldn't live to see his 20s and is now a competitive, professional bicyclist. He founded Team Type 1, the world's first professional cycling team to include diabetics, and they went on to win the 3,005 mile Race Across America. These guys are bad-ass. Not "bad-ass for diabetics", just plain bad-ass.

Later I met Charlie Kimball, the first licensed driver with diabetes in the history of INDYCAR racing. Can you imagine the courage it takes to get behind the wheel of a car going hundreds of miles per hour while dealing with a life-threatening disease? Aside from being unbearably adorable - which he is! - he's also incredibly down to earth and volunteers his time to work with teens and young adults who are dealing with diabetes, too. He doesn't let the disease stop him and he wants others to do the same.

Finally, I listened to Ben Vereen - yes, THAT Ben Vereen - talk about being diagnosed with Type II diabetes, and his crusade to get diabetics to Start Taking Action Now against Diabetes (S.T.A.N.D.) With at least 7 million undiagnosed diabetics in the United States alone, his program focuses on everyone making small changes that will add up to a huge movement for change in this country. I left his session with tears in my eyes because his message was so powerful.

So, I signed my own pledge: to encourage those around me to exercise and eat right, starting today. I have a unique platform here and in all of my online interactions, to reach out and help others who struggle with their diabetes as I do. When I'm honest about my struggle, maybe one of you feels a little less ashamed, a little stronger, maybe even more able to make just one change.

Will you S.T.A.N.D with me?

What I did today

2011-11-11T22:26:00.001-08:00

I didn't do a lot today, mostly because I had a terrible headache that left me curled up on the bed praying for relief. I don't get those kind of headaches, ever, but my husband does, so he knew just what I needed (decongestant, a big glass of water, and some sleep), thank goodness.

What I did do today:

Washed and put away three loads of laundry
Dropped off huge pile of clothes at cleaners to be laundered and pressed
Submitted Statement of Interest for Junior League leadership opportunities in the upcoming year
Talked to my mom (always do, every day)
Thanked my husband for his 20 years of service to our country and the sacrifices he made on our behalf

I hope each of you found time today to thank a vet for their service and shake their hand. If you didn't, don't worry - our gratitude doesn't have to be limited to a single day each year, so feel free to thank someone tomorrow. Or the next day. Just do it.

Three wishes

2011-11-10T22:36:00.001-08:00

If I had three magic wishes, here's what I'd wish for:

That every soldier, sailor, Marine, and airman who comes home from war will have all of the support that they need to re-enter normal life, without having to beg or wait six months;
That we could ship people who hurt animals, children, or the elderly into space somewhere, forever, and;
That they find a cure for diabetes in my life time

What would YOU wish for?

My secret passion

2011-11-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

I studied English & American Literature at one of the top 5 public universities in the United States. I read all of the great authors of the English language: Shakespeare, Dickens, Chaucer, Hemingway, Bronte, Faulkner, Fitzgerald, etc. I also read some great authors who were not English or American, too: Chinua Achebe, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Miguel de Cervantes, Alan Paton, Liang Peng, and Amos Tutuola. Very high brow, very esoteric, but that's not where my passion lies. No, my real passion is secret and hidden in shame: British crime mysteries.

Yes, it's true - I love British mysteries. Everything from Agatha Christie to R.D. Wingfield to M.C. Beaton to Elizabeth George. It all started when I was at my grandma's house in England as a child. We were staying for most of the summer and I was SO bored. She had no television and there were no other kids around for me to play with because English children go to school over the summer instead of lazing around forgetting everything they've learned in the previous year, so I was desperate for something to do.

My grandma was a teacher and firmly believed that reading was the cornerstone to every well-rounded life, so she showed me where she kept her books and told me to choose something to read. I found an anthology of crime novels - both fictional and true life - and set down to give it a try. I blazed through those five novels in a little over a week and was totally hooked. I spent hours at the local library that summer reading through every Tommy and Tuppence, every Miss Marple, and two or three Poirot mysteries (Christie was one of the novelists featured in the original anthology I'd read) as well. (Never really got into Poirot for some reason.) And a passion was born.

When I got home to California, my dad wanted to make sure that I gave American mysteries a chance, too, so he gave me a Raymond Chandler boxed set for my birthday that year, which I loved, too. I also discovered Mystery! on PBS which was great because now I could see the characters I'd read about. It became my obsession to read every mystery I could get my hands on and that obsession continues today.

Nowadays, it's e-books. I've been reading through the Agatha Raisin series of novels by M.C. Beaton on my iPad, iPhones, and laptop through the wonder of the Kindle apps and I still find myself carried away by the challenge of finding out "whodunnit". I know there's nothing really wrong with my love of mysteries but it always seems to surprise friends who know me well when they find out that I read "brain candy" novels instead of serious works of literature; I'm OK with that. No one needs to know my dirty little secret, right? Let's just keep it between us.

Gorgeous

2011-11-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had the fat-girl experience of walking into a room and feeling as though you're the fattest, least fashionable girl there? With the lack of good fashion choices for fat women, it's a safe bet that you have if you're larger than a size 18 (the top end of the "standard" fashion lines). It's happened to me more than once and I'll generally do whatever is necessary to avoid that, sometimes up to and including not attending a function I would otherwise have attended because I couldn't find anything that made me feel pretty.

Fast forward to this year and I've got my company holiday party coming up on December 10th. It's a Roaring Twenties or cocktail attire affair and, for once, I've got just the right thing to wear.

It's this gorgeous piece of fabric and sequins. I was a little nervous ordering it off the internet because it might not fit or might fit but make me look like a sparkly apple (I carry my weight in my stomach), but I took a leap of faith and ordered. Boy am I glad that I did - it arrived today and it fits like a dream. I'll need to have the shoulder straps shortened slightly because the bodice is a little loose, but otherwise it's just gorgeous. Most importantly, it makes me feel like the prettiest girl at the ball. And while you can't put a price on that feeling, it doesn't hurt that it was 50% off of the original price I saw when I found it.

Can't wait to wear it to the party!

It's a delicate balance

2011-11-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

I remember - sometimes wistfully - when it was just me and my cats, and I could do whatever I wanted, on the spur of the moment, without considering anyone else's needs or feelings or prior commitments. (I could also sleep in until noon if I wanted, but that's a totally different post.)

Now there's TCB and the kids (Candace, Alcott, and their siblings) and Alouysius (the Pug), and my life is full of happiness and light all the time. Wait, no, that's not quite right. My life is full. And sometimes I'm happy and sometimes I'm not, but I'm seldom bored. I also have my wonderful volunteer opportunities with the Junior League and Just in Time for Foster Youth which are so very important to me. And time consuming. Letting others in has simultaneously complicated and enriched my life tremendously.

Balancing all of the many demands on my time starts with a real, honest-to-goodness paper calendar on my kitchen counter. While I have various electronic means of keeping track of my commitments, I still find it infinitely easier to hold the entire month in my hands and be able to flip back and forth between months. Add to that the fact that TCB puts his commitments on that same calendar and, although I cannot read what he's written, I can tell at a glance if one or both of us is committed for a future evening.

Once I've scoped out the calendar, sometimes it comes down to priorities: I can't do more than two activities on the same day and usually no more than three activities over a weekend. While it's physically and logistically possible to do more than that, I end up too stressed out to enjoy any of the activities.

It's always important for me to remember what's most important and put activities in support of those things first. For instance, the kids always come first unless to do so would endanger my health. Yes, they come before TCB - he knew that from the moment he met me and has always supported that priority without reservations. Next comes TCB, my parents, and the furkids. Family is at the heart of my heart, in essence. Finally I come to activities that take care of me physically and emotionally, like my diabetes and depression classes, 5K walks, and blog conferences. Sometimes though, I toss the pre-written rules and put myself first because I've reached the end of my rope and need to recharge before I can be there for anyone else.

While I miss my carefree bachelor girl days, I wouldn't trade all of the love in my life for the world. The trick is making it all work together and keeping the delicate balance.

Not worthy of a title

2011-11-06T21:57:00.000-08:00

Today was a perfectly mundane day; nothing exciting. Woke up, took care of the Pug, ran off to a volunteer shift with Ronald McDonald House as part of the Junior League, had lunch, took a nap, picked up my medications, went to dinner, came up to blog before bed. Perfectly boring. Perfectly ordinary.

Perfect.

A cautionary tale about doing stupid things

2011-11-05T22:24:00.000-07:00

Today I did something really stupid: I tried to ride seven miles on my bike after having not ridden at all, in any shape, form, or fashion, since May. My friend, Mary Ellen, and I were able to do our first ride in May because we'd trained for months and months before, and still it was hard. And we thought we were going to be able to ride with NO training?

We were quickly disabused of whatever notions of miraculous "muscle memory" and "it's just like riding a bike" nonsense. I nearly fell straight on my head while we were doing an easy ride around the parking lot to warm up. I had a very bad feeling after that, worrying that we were being stupid, but we pushed on anyway. I told myself that it was just stupid fear and that we'd enjoy ourselves once we pushed through it.

And then we were out on the course and things just got worse and worse. There was a steep downhill bit covered in debris with tight switchback turns that we had to walk down with our bikes. There was a steep uphill bit once we hit the bike path where my chain derailed. Fixed the bike, got back on, carried on riding. As we approached the next uphill bit, I heard Mary Ellen cry out behind me so I stopped to look back just in time to watch her fall with her full weight on her wrist. Game over.

We walked with our bikes two miles back to our cars then I drove her to the Urgent Care where they took x-rays and determined that she has a distal fracture of her wrist and will need pins surgically implanted so that things can heal properly.

The moral of this story? Don't go "all or nothing" with your training and most definitely do not take riding your bike for seven miles at a patch lightly. We didn't give this event the respect it warranted and now Mary Ellen will have to undergo surgery before we can try riding bikes in the gym again. Lesson most painfully learned.

Blue Fridays

2011-11-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

November is Diabetes Awareness Month.I'm committed to making positive changes in my health and self-care habits, and testing my blood sugar regularly must be a part of that routine. If you, like me, are diabetic, won't you join millions of us out there and celebrate this wonderful technology every Friday (or even every day) in November?

Why I love writing HERE

2011-11-03T22:32:00.000-07:00

When I wrote about why I enjoy writing so much, I left off one really important factor: the friendships I've formed here over the years. To sit in a chair or on the bed in your house by yourself, writing, and know that someone - more than just one someone, even - will read what you've written, is just an amazing feeling. And when those words occasionally elicit a powerful response from someone I've never met, that never fails to blow me away.

I haven't always been up front about my diabetes, not here and not in real life, but since I've started talking more about it I've had such great interaction with folks who are in the same boat. A Type 2 diagnosis brings with it such a lot of shame and then secrecy, and that can leave you feeling very isolated and alone; I know it did me. What I've learned is that, if you can just be a little bit brave, take the risk, and put your whole self out there - diabetes and all - you might not just learn to love and take better care of yourself but perhaps even empower others to do the same for themselves.

Thanks, Anonymous (commenter on this post), for the reminder that, even as I type this in the darkness, I'm not alone.

Last Meal

2011-11-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

Today's writing prompt from NaBloPoMo is "If you knew that whatever you ate next would be your last meal, what would you want it to be?" This is SUCH a great topic for me given my obsession with eating and food.

Food has always been an important part of my life. My mother has always cooked with love and she used to frequently say, when I'd come home after a bad day at work, "Have a snack, you'll feel better," and I usually did. While this might have contributed to my disordered eating, it also made me feel loved and taken care of.

To that point, when I started thinking about what I would choose for my last meal, I harkened back to the night before I left for college in September 1985. We knew I'd be gone until Thanksgiving and Mummy and Daddy wanted to make sure that I had whatever I wanted for dinner. We could go out for dinner anywhere I wanted or Mummy would cook whatever I wanted - it was all up to me. My choice? I asked that my mother make her meatloaf.

Yes, I could have chosen anything in the world and I chose meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans, and I'm pretty sure that's what I'd choose again today. It's warm and rich and filled with yummy tomato-ness and it makes me happy, and really, what more can you ask of your "last meal"? And, of course, I'd need Mummy and Daddy there with me, too, so that we could all eat around the dining room table as a family.

Food isn't just about nourishing my body for me. For better or worse, food brings me so much pleasure that is separate from its benefits for my physical being. While there are problems associated with my love of food, in my head and in my heart, my mom's meatloaf equals love.

Why I love writing

2011-11-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

I am drawn to beautiful things. I suppose everyone is, to some extent, but I am just about obsessed with it. Beautiful rooms. Beautiful shoes. Just the right lipstick with just the right smile. The perfect flower arrangement. Pretty much every picture in Martha Stewart Living or House Beautiful magazines.

I am not, however, able to create beautiful things for myself. I am not able to be creative visually or, at the very least, not at the level I would expect of something beautiful for myself. I can knit but not well. I can take pictures but not of the breathtaking sort that I love. My biological father is an artist and creates beautiful pieces that I - and many others - covet wildly. I have always been mildly (tremendously) envious of his talent because you'd think that if I were going to be saddled with his looks - we are nearly identical - I could have gotten the artistic ability, too. But I didn't.

And so I'm left with a yearning to create beauty that I can't seem to fulfill in a visual way. But I can write. And I love to write. And writing makes me feel like an artist because I can make beautiful things with my words. When I'm inspired and ready, the words just flow from my fingers and into the universe just like a cascade of water.

But it's not just the creativity factor that makes writing so special to me. Putting my thoughts into words and words onto paper (or the computer) helps me "get out of my head". I suffer from depression and that disease is always trying to make me retreat into myself. The isolation and shame associated with depression can leave me feeling totally unmotivated to write but when I am able to push through that feeling and start to put down in words what I'm thinking and feeling, it nearly always marks the start of feeling better.

So for me, writing is both a creative outlet and an escape from the isolation of depression. In the eight years since I started this blog, I've used it for both purposes and also as a way to find connections in a disconnected world. Writing is my window to the world.

Every day I write the book (but, obviously, not here)

2011-10-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

Imagine my horror when I realized that I haven't posted in several weeks. Wow. I have the best intentions of coming here to write something every day and then it doesn't happen. I compose posts in my head, I jot down interesting ideas to write about, but that's as far as it goes.

So what have I been doing?

My Diabetes and Depression class wraps up tomorrow night and I've made major progress, particularly on the depression front. The class focuses on identifying the negative, incorrect thinking patterns that lead to depressive episodes and then replacing them with other at least neutral thoughts instead. I've used that technique with good success several times and am still amazed at how something as simple as saying something over and over in my head (or even out loud when it gets bad) will make the craziness in my head stop. Not just retreat but actually stop. And now I am even able - most of the time - to distinguish between depression and actual sadness because of something external.

We're planning our family trip to Disneyland for Thanksgiving weekend, too. TCB, Candace, and I are all heading off to The Happiest Place on Earth for two days of fun in lieu of cooking, cleaning, running around, and family drama. I know - you're jealous, right? And we're trying to decide between various Magic Kingdom choices for Thanksgiving dinner. Can you say, "Turkey with Mickey"? We can!

Starting tomorrow I'll be taking part in NaBloPoMo which will - if I can stick it out - have me posting every day in November, so fair warning that you'll probably be seeing a lot more of me. Well, not in any improper sort of way - we don't play that here - but I'll be doing a lot more writing and possibly more navel gazing. You've been warned!

Dear Anonymous

2011-10-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

I received a great comment from Anonymous for my recent post I am not my disease and I just wanted to stop and say thanks. To feel that what I'm going through (and writing about) is helpful to others really makes this little endeavor worthwhile.

And along the lines of "sharing my pain", I "celebrated" another diabetic first (for me) this morning: I got to inject myself with medication for the very first time. Not insulin but a different drug than what I've been on and one that only comes in a pre-filled injection pen.

My eating has been semi out of control lately (for about the last two months) and my activity non-existent, and my blood sugar levels reflect that. My out of bed readings used to be in the 140 range (not bad) and now they're 200 to 220 (not good). After the wonderful Weekend for Women conference I attended this weekend, I was bound and determined to do more to get my sugars under better control and do what I can to contribute to my own wellness, so I asked my endocrinologist at my appointment Monday morning for a change in my prescriptions to add a more powerful drug to help combat my high blood sugars.

And then I started freaking out because, YIKES, I have to stick a needle in myself. Every day. I got sick to my stomach just thinking about it. But I remembered my commitment to my better health and wanting to be a good example to my kids about taking care of yourself, and I just did it. I pinched a little chunk of fat on my stomach - thank you GOD for giving me a fat stomach! - and just pushed it in. And after all of that trauma and drama, do you know what happened? Not a darned thing. Didn't even feel it. Not even a little prick. Nada.

So I guess this is what being a grown up about my disease feels like, huh? It's about time.

Products that I love: Coffee-mate Natural Bliss

2011-10-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

I drink a lot of coffee and I just can't stand it plain. At work all day, that used to mean using the traditional flavored creamers they provide there for free. The strange aftertaste combined with the slight headache I always had after drinking my coffee never concerned me enough to force me to make a change but I did sort of worry in the back of my head about what I might be putting into my body.

At BlogHer earlier this year, Coffee-mate had a tasting booth for their newest offering. Natural Bliss is made with milk, cream, sugar, and flavors derived from natural sources (like vanilla bean or caramelized sugar). From that very first sample, I was hooked. No funky aftertaste. No headache after drinking. And because it tastes so good, I don't need to use as much to get my coffee the way I like to drink it.

I'm trying to buy products with the fewest and highest quality ingredients possible as part of developing a healthy life. Knowing what's in the things in my home is important to me. So is being able to pronounce all of them. Natural Bliss fits into that plan perfectly.

Note: I have not been compensated for this review and the opinions expressed are all mine. I did receive a coupon for a discount on Natural Bliss while at BlogHer and used it for my purchase.

I am not my disease

2011-10-08T22:51:00.000-07:00

I'm spending the weekend at a the Weekend for Women: A Celebration of Strength conference in downtown San Diego, a gathering of women with diabetes. After denying (in my head and in my daily life) that I was diabetic for the better part of 10 years, it's as though a light has appeared. Why wasn't it there all alone? Who knows, but I see it now and I'm so grateful.

Grateful to find a community of women who deal with the same things I do now that I'm working on my diabetes every day instead of ignoring it. Diabetes and depression (which I also suffer from) are both so isolating and I don't have anyone in my close circle of family and friends who is diabetic, so I just keep pulling into myself, keeping it all inside, and feeling so ashamed. On the rare occasion that I share my fight with depression with anyone, it's always whispered and apologetic. But all of these women understand. There are no whispers here and no need for shame.

Of course there have been some really helpful educational sessions, too, and I've learned quite a bit even on the first day. Fortuitously, I've got an appointment with my Endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) on Monday, so this is great material for my discussion with him. I've wanted to come off of one of my diabetic meds for months - Actos, which has been banned from use in France and Germany - and today I had the opportunity to speak with a renowned Endocrinologist one on one about what she'd recommend to replace the Actos. Amazing. Empowering. And with that power, a little of the darkness recedes and lets more light in.

I am not diabetes, nor am I depression. They do not define me and I am no longer alone with them. I cannot tell you how good it feels to write those words.

Saturday fun day

2011-10-02T19:26:00.000-07:00

We had so much fun yesterday. First we hit up the farmers market in Little Italy where we strolled among the vendors while I snapped pictures of things that interested me. I bought a great big pink rose barrette/pin which I immediately pinned to my sun hat, as well as a bright coral peony which was much smaller and which I intend to use in my hair or on jackets for work. When you work in a high tech company, you need to sport a splash of girly color every once in a while, you know?

After the farmers market, we strolled down the main street of Little Italy so that I could both get some extra steps in for the day and find interesting things and people and buildings to snap. We soon came to the Italian American Veterans Plaza where I snapped the photo above. I think this one is my favorite of the entire day just because of the deep, beautiful colors all melding together.

Directly across from the plaza was a camera store and I couldn't resist going inside. It was like a kid in a candy shop, people: I wanted everything. What I came away was a leash for my lens cover so that I don't have to keep stashing it in random places while I'm shooting, a second memory card for my camera because an upcoming outdoor photography class that I'm taking recommends two cards and two batteries, and a rubber case to hold multiple memory cards because my camera bag is starting to get a little chaotic.

We walked down the other side of the street and back to Minnie before calling it a day and heading home. I had 4500 steps on my pedometer, a bunch of mediocre photos and a couple that I really liked, and some new camera equipment to feed my growing addiction. I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Never underestimate the importance of...fun

2011-10-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

In my Diabetes and Depression class this week, I was given three homework assignments. They were, in order: make time for a "fun" activity, take a positive step toward treating my depression, take a positive step toward treating my diabetes. The reason that the "fun" is first is because that's one of the toughest things for someone in the grips of depression to do - have fun - and it can be a huge first step toward clearing your head and getting to a better place mentally. Besides, who can argue with doing something fun?

This week my fun thing is snapping photos as we go about our weekend. Some things need to be done, like shopping and laundry, but there are ways to work in fun even in the required chores. For instance, I want to go to the Little Italy Farmers Market to shop for our produce this morning because it will provide opportunities to snap some awesome outdoor photos, do some nice natural activity, and also get out in the sunshine, and that's a great return on investment.

Some things I covet

2011-09-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

Why do so many fashion companies assume that fat girls don't want pretty clothes that fit and don't make us look like linebackers? I can only speak for myself and say that I have enough discretionary income to buy clothes, shoes, and bags that I love, so why not give me the chance to send some of that money your way? Below are some things that I love that ARE made in my size.

I've been watching this dress for weeks and haven't bought it yet but I'm really thinking about it. I love the swishy skirt and the fitted bodice plus you just can't beat the color.

I'm also in love with these shoes. (Not with the dress above, but with jeans, with black or khaki slacks or skirts, and with a simple work dress.)

Finally, I'm fascinated with this necklace. I want to wear it with sweaters, with my white button-down shirts, and with simple but festive holiday outfits.

Anything you love but can't quite justify purchasing?

Seasons change

2011-09-27T08:06:00.000-07:00

It's a subtle shift, but I can feel the deep, dark depression slowly drifting away like the morning low clouds and fog in San Diego. The sun warms my skin and a smile sneaks up on me.

Hello, life, it's so good to see you again.

Thursday is the last session of my digital photography class and I'm really excited. Not excited because it's ending, necessarily, but deeply excited about all of the creative possibilities sitting in front of me. I picked up a new lens, the "nifty fifty" (EF 50mm f/1.8 II), which is so much lighter than the lens that came with my camera, an EF-S 18-135mm f/3.5-5.6 IS standard zoom that it will make running around with my camera a whole lot easier. Also, at about 1/3 the price of the EF-S lens, I'm hoping that the 50mm takes away some of my nervousness when shooting. If I can get in the habit of shooting for half an hour every morning, that will make learning my camera a real snap.

Products that I love: Mrs. Meyer's Laundry Soap

2011-09-26T08:03:00.000-07:00

TCB came home from his overnight trip for the American Legion yesterday afternoon and almost immediately the depression started to lift a little. I really have to remember to set up girlfriend get-togethers for times when he's out of town because, even though I generally don't want to be around other people when I'm in the fog of depression, the effort to be social is always worth it.

Today marks the beginning of something new here on the blog - I'm going to write about products that I love that help me lead a healthier lifestyle. None of these are paid reviews nor have I received anything (including free product) for my consideration. These are just things that are such an important part of my life that I want to share them.

The first such product is Mrs. Meyer's Laundry Soap. This soap has a lovely scent - my current favorite is Lemon Verbena - derived from essential oils, not chemicals, and gets our clothes sparkling clean with simple, 100% biodegradable ingredients and without the use of phosphates. (Phosphates are an important consideration for the environment because the overuse of them in household cleaning products can lead to an overgrowth of algae in community waste water systems, choking out native fish and plant life. Several countries have enacted legal bans on the use of phosphates in cleaning products; the United States is not one of those countries.) Even with all of the abuse that TCB's clothes get - or the occasional visit from one of the boys with their odoriferous bags and bags of dirty laundry - this soap gets everything clean and smelling nice again. Laundry is no one's favorite chore but at least by having a nice-smelling detergent I have something to look forward to on Sunday nights.

Other related products I've tried include their liquid dish soap, hand soap, and dryer sheets. All smell wonderful, include biodegradable ingredients, and come in recyclable packaging.

Every day is a new adventure

2011-09-24T09:09:00.000-07:00

I'm back at Panera for breakfast this morning - ham and swiss breakfast souffle with cranberry orange smoothie and a large, unsweetened iced tea - and getting ready to do my homework for digital photography class. This week we're asked to learn the fine art of "panning": moving the camera with a moving subject so that you can capture the main subject in still focus while blurring everything around them. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but I'll give it a good try. Of course, if I get at least one good shot, I'll post it here later.

Dealing with depression and diabetes really is a "one-two" punch. There's the everyday battles of keeping your blood sugar in check for the rest of your life while always knowing that any little bit of stress or skipping a workout or getting a cold or sneezing (OK, not really sneezing, but the rest are true) can throw your blood sugar for a loop. And when the numbers are not in your target range, it feels like a failure. It's like when you're on a diet and you eat "off plan", except on steroids. If you eat off plan, you'll gain some weight or maybe just maintain that week. If your blood sugar is high, you'll have a heart attack, stroke, go blind, lose a limb, or just plain die. Nice. And that's before you add in the depression.

Combining depression with your diabetes enhances all of the naturally-occurring guilt and feelings of failure that come with the day to day fight to control your blood sugar while also bringing along no one's best friends, worthlessness and hopelessness. Even without diabetes, depression makes you question whether or not you deserve to exist and whether the world wouldn't be just a bit brighter without you moping around and bringing everyone down. You blame yourself for every little thing that goes awry in your vicinity, as though just by breathing you are making the world a worse place to be. (Yes, you really do feel that important! Please don't confuse things with logic, thankyouverymuch.)

photo by Truth and light via Flickr

Most months I just deal with some mild to moderate depression for a few days to a week and then it goes away. On a good month, it's the week before TTOM, so at least it's predictable and I can reassure myself that it will be gone soon. This month is not one of those months. This month I can't remember when it started or when I last didn't feel an all-encompassing sense of impending doom. Most months just figuring out "hey, I think I'm depressed" is the beginning of helping it on its way. Not this month.

This month it's as though I'm walking on a path in a dark, foreboding forest and there's a misty fog encompassing everything. It's scary and I want to just sit down, pull my sweater over my head, and hide there - in the middle of it all - until it goes away. Except that you know it won't go away, you just have to keep walking until you come out on the other side. So I'm walking. And occasionally stumbling over rocks or tree roots or whatever else happens to be on the path that I can't see in my haste to just get this over with.

I think the worst part of this is how alone it makes you feel. Even in a room full of people. Even surrounded by people who love and care about you. There's just you and the depression, eying each other across the table, waiting to see who will blink first. Being at the diabetes and depression group on Tuesday gave me a real boost when I realize that everyone at the table (except TCB, who went to support me and to hear about the group) either was feeling or had felt or would soon be feeling just like me. Hey, I'm not alone!

So I'll go back next week. And the week after. And for eight weeks total. I'm signed up for a Women and Diabetes conference in San Diego next month that I heard about at the group meeting, and that's good, too. This, too, shall pass. I don't know how long it will take, but it will end and I'll still be here. I'm not going anywhere and I'm stronger than this.

In the meantime, I just keep walking.

Lost in thought

2011-09-21T07:20:00.000-07:00

Since my last, very good check in with my doctor, things have gone badly downhill in terms of self-care. I'm binge eating, eating terrible foods that I know are not good for me (like french fries and onion rings and I'm not exercising at all. Other than the 5K I did on September 3rd, I've basically done nothing in months. Really, months. This is not good.

I am diabetic. I am about 100 pounds over my ideal weight, most of which is carried in my stomach, at my waist. This is particularly bad because it inhibits my desire and ability to exercise.

I told my diabetes educator, back in May at our last check-in, that I was grateful for the second chance I'd been given. She asked me what I meant by that and I told her that while I'd been diagnosed with diabetes back in 1996, I'd basically ignored that fact and my health in general from 1998 when my divorce became final and this past year. For a diabetic to ignore her blood sugar and not have any appointments with medical professionals for over 10 years and apparently avoid any major complications is a miracle, and I was taking it as a sign that I needed to get my act together again before that changed.

And what happened instead? I had a great check-in and then completely fell apart. What the heck?

I don't know what pushed me into free fall but I know that I'm there. And every morning I resolve to stop this crap and start taking care of myself again only to go to bed angry and frustrated with my lack of progress.

I need to stop binge eating. I need to stop eating crappy food that doesn't nourish my body and elevates my blood sugar. I need to use the wonderful gym at work that is free for me in order to walk on the treadmill and ride the stationary bike. (I am registered for a 15 mile bike ride in November and I'm not going to be able to do that if I don't get on a bike very, very soon.)

It doesn't really matter, in the end, why this is happening, only that I make it stop. To that end, I'm going to a Diabetes and Depression class tonight with TCB, to start dealing with the craziness in my head. I just want to be able to make a plan and stick with it. To go through the day without feeling guilty for not being able to stop eating crap. To be able to focus on something - anything! - other than what a worthless excuse for a human being I am.

Fruits of my labor

2011-09-19T07:47:00.000-07:00

This is a series of photos I took while eating my breakfast this morning. My assignment was to play with shutter speed, observing what the various settings do to the lighting of a subject, so you see things going from "bathed in light" to my favorite look which is darker and a little moody

Also, in this photo you can see the strange, bubbly foam in the fountain. I think the local kids must have put dishwashing liquid in it again because it was fine yesterday when I came by.

After shooting (and eating) for about 30 minutes, I toodled back home to put a load of laundry in before running off to the office for a conference call regarding the upcoming Junior League fundraising film festival I'm working on. While I was there, I also finally installed the software for the new camera and signed up for an outdoor photography class for which I have a Groupon.

I promise this won't become "all photography all the time" but I'm really enjoying this right now and I want to capture what I'm learning. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about eating, being active, and other compulsive behaviors like shopping, and I'll be back to share them either later today or early tomorrow.

Why did no one tell me?

2011-09-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

I've always thought that a camera was designed to capture an exact replica of what your eye was seeing, but I was disabused of that notion within the first five minutes of my photography class last Thursday. It was three hours of absolute perfection and bliss as far as I was concerned and I can't wait for next week's class.

First things first, though. You know how much I love my accessories - shoes and purses never notice when you lose or gain weight! - so I snapped a quick picture of my adorable new camera bag that I grabbed off of Etsy once I'd bought my new camera (Note: I don't have this same lens). I was going to just throw it into my purse or whatever I'm carrying the new laptop and my iPad in until TCB educated me about the difference between my point and shoot camera and the new one. Well, obviously, the price is a big difference but the SLR is also far more fragile than my digital ELPH which I've hung around my neck while walking long distances without worrying about anything snapping off or the whole thing just ceasing to work for whatever reason. Charge it, keep the memory card cleaned up, and the ELPH is a champ. The SLR has to be stored in a padded cell inside a bag so that it doesn't get banged or dusty plus it can't be stored with the battery or lens attached, so the bag needs to have separate padded compartments for those components, too.

With all of these requirements in mind, I went off to find a bag to carry all of my camera bits and bobs around. What I found were uniformly ugly, black ballistic nylon bags that I would never carry around in a million years. Then I started wondering about Etsy and whether there might be some homemade camera bags with a bit more style, and I found this little gem:

It's got several padded cells inside plus pockets inside and out to capture anything I might need to carry around. I could even use it as a purse replacement AND camera bag at the same time.

Anyway, back to the class. We spent three hours learning about how to use aperture, ISO, and shutter speed to control the light allowed into the camera body. Without a flash, I was able to create vastly different images of the exact same subject just by adding and deleting light. It really made me feel like an artist instead of a middle-aged wannabe photographer! We even have homework - I need to shoot for 30 minutes a day, each day between classes, getting used to how the three main settings on the camera will affect the same shot. I haven't been this excited about doing homework, well, probably EVER!

Here's the point and shoot (from my iPhone):

And here's the newest member of the family, the DSLR:

How does all of this relate to creating a healthy lifestyle? By bringing joy into my life that doesn't involve food and gets me out of the house and into nature. I have a feeling that this could become a huge part of my life and that's exciting.

Increasing awareness

2011-09-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm still eating like crap and not exercising but at least I'm paying attention and trying to listen to my thoughts around food. I'm not hearing anything yet but that will come.

I think I've traced the change in behavior to my last check-in with my doctor, which is strange because that went really well. Maybe it was the fear of a bad check-up that was keeping me on the right path? With a brain as messed up with depression and whatever else as mine, it's hard to get to the bottom of things most of the time.

I do have one piece of good news: I'm starting my first digital photography class tonight. It's three hours per session and we'll meet three times, so nine hours total instruction. I'm so excited! While I was at BlogHer, I started thinking about what makes me happy and ways to bring more creativity and happiness into my life and this was one of the things I wanted to explore. I even got all of the camera pieces together last night for the first time - body, lens, battery (already changed), memory card, and lens filter - and took my first photo. I'll take a picture or two of the whole get up tonight, along with the World's Cutest Camera bag (from Etsy) so that I can share. You put up with all of my whining and self absorption, the least I can do is start posting pretty pictures.

Cloudy with a chance of

2011-09-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

If there were charged batteries in the scale, I might be able to tell you exactly how much I've gained recently, but there aren't, so I can't. But I can tell you that my clothes are tight across my stomach which is where I always gain weight, and I know deep inside that I'm not behaving like a person who wants to live a healthy lifestyle and I haven't been for quite a while. Probably since my great check-in with my doctor back in July. Two months of basically non-stop bingeing and next to no exercise. Nice.

Reflections on the storm

2011-08-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

The east coast had Irene and we had my mother in law. From what I can tell from the news channels, both of us emerged with far less damage than initially expected.

I don't know if it's because we'd prepared really well or if she was on particularly good behavior, but other than constant, mild irritation, I seem to have come away without damage. Am I getting tougher or is she mellowing out? Who knows and really, who cares as long as the end result is the same: a weekend for TCB to visit with his family without me melting down completely.

One factor that I think has been key is our sending Alouysius the Wonder Pug to his trainer's house for the weekend. Knowing that he's safe and not being upset with the hubbub in the house is worth every penny we're paying ($400 for six days of being loved and cared for in a pet professional's home with her own dogs). So, although I miss the little guy terribly, it's really comforting not having to worry about keeping to his routine while she's here.

OK, time to go back downstairs to be social!

Defcon 4

2011-08-24T07:51:00.000-07:00

My mother in law, father in law, and 14 year old nephew all arrive sometime tomorrow and will be staying with us, in our tiny, 1395 square foot, 2 bedroom/1 filthy dirty office, 2.25 bathroom townhouse for four (4!) days. My stress level is off the charts. Fortunately, I think we're approaching being ready.

The disastrous office is very near to being habitable by humans and is at least able to be cleaned by trained professionals now (see next item)
The cleaning ladies arrive today
Alouysius the Wonder Pug's trainer, Carla, is coming tonight to pick him up for a five day vacation
All laundry in the house is done, folded, and put away

At this point, what remains is for me to finish the ironing so that I can put all of that away, TCB will hang a few more pictures around the house that have been sitting on the floor since we moved in, we'll need to move the new sofa table next to the window where it will live permanently, and I'll get the pretty placemats and napkins (that I'll iron first) out once the leaf for the table is in place. And that should be just about it.

They're coming to visit because TCB's graduation for his Masters program is on Friday afternoon. I'm really proud of him! Not only does he suffer from multiple learning disabilities but he's also employed full-time, he's Commander of the local American Legion, and he volunteers with United Through Reading. If it weren't for him, I'd find an excuse to disappear for the entire visit. Seriously.

Instead, I'm fighting with crushing depression that made it difficult to even get out of bed yesterday. At one point, I was actually fighting with myself over whether I would even get dressed to find something to eat - my depression nearly won out over my need to binge eat when I'm stressed. Instead I got up, threw on a ratty old day dress, ran to Panera for a sandwich, cup of soup, and half Greek salad. Once I recognized what was going on, it was a lot easier to push the depression aside.

There will be updates over the weekend in case you're interested in my misery. If nothing else, it will give me an excuse to disappear and have some quiet!

Weekend wrap-up

2011-08-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

It was a wonderful weekend at our house.

My folks arrived Saturday morning for a two-day visit to celebrate my dad's upcoming birthday. We went to lunch at a 50s style diner on Saturday then barbecued salmon and steak for dinner. (Yum!) Sunday morning started off with breakfast at a New York style deli/restaurant with my adopted brother/work colleague, Tony, before we all headed off to watch the San Diego Padres take on the Florida Marlins. Daddy and I spent lots of time at Anaheim Stadium, watching the Angels, when I was a kid, so it's always nice when I get to share a game with him. Once we got back from the game, we barbecued hamburgers and served them on whole wheat rolls with all the normal fixings plus a side salad, beautiful mini-size heirloom tomatoes and grilled corn on the cob. (Yum again!) They just left for home after a brief morning together here at the house and I'm sad to see them go but grateful for the lovely time together.

While they were here, Daddy helped TCB put our new (yay!) coffee table together. You might remember that Alouysius the Wonder Pug turned our old coffee table from a rectangle into an octagon when he was a puppy by chewing off all of the corners, so it's great to have a pretty, new one.

I also received the camera bag I'd ordered from Etsy over the weekend, so I've started packing all of my bits and pieces into the bag in preparation for actually starting to use it. (What a concept!)

Speaking of the camera, I really need to go and take some photos of the new coffee table and camera bag - I'll go and do that, then post pictures to go with the words later. Hey, it's Monday, give me a break. :-)

Five celebrations

2011-08-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Things I'm celebrating at the end of this week:

1. My health - my visit with the doctor last week went so much better than I'd expected and I'm celebrating (again!) the second chance I've been given to take proper care of myself

2. My parents are arriving tomorrow for a two-day visit - I love spending time with my parents! On the agenda is lunch with my "adopted brother" and work colleague, Tony, plus four tickets to the San Diego Padres game on Sunday

3. Financial solvency - today is the day bonuses are paid out at work. I am all too aware of the fact that lots of people don't have jobs at all, much less bonuses, and I am appropriately grateful. Truly

4. My beautiful 19 year old - she was accepted to a great paid internship with the Events Office at her university and I'm so proud of her! Now if only she could be named one of the College Brand Ambassadors for Alesya Bags (she did apply). Come on, she's a former foster youth, she won a national competition for her short documentary about the importance of keeping siblings together in foster care, she's a member of the speaker panel for Voices for Children, and she's an influential member of her sorority - isn't that pretty much the demographic you'd want to put your luxury laptop bags in front of? Still keeping my fingers crossed!!!

5. My manager at work - yesterday was in the 90s outside but in the 50s inside our offices. Brrr. Anyway, my manager saw me grabbing my wallet and taking off my sweater, and she asked if I was going over to the coffee bar to get a latte. When I told her that I was, on my way to an outside meeting I'd booked with one of the data analytics team, she decided to tag along and "crash" my meeting. How many managers would just get up and do something fun/supportive like that? (Yeah, it was probably mostly about the latte, but still...)

What do you have to be grateful for this week?

Getting back to what I love

2011-08-17T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've been making an effort to reintroduce more of the activities that I love into my life and it's working better than I'd expected.

I'm on an event planning committee for the Junior League this year and am part of a team of four girls putting on two events before the end of this year: a Lunafest film event and a Bloomingdale's shopping event. The film event showcases short films by female filmmakers and will benefit not just the Junior League but also the Breast Cancer Fund. The Bloomingdale's event will happen a few weeks before Christmas so details are still pending, but it sounds like a lot of fun. Again, four of us and two events in the next four months. Good and busy.

I've signed up for a digital photography class, two bread making classes, and a winter gardening class through the local Adult Education program. I also purchased a digital photography seminar from Groupon. I'm tired of talking about photography, making my own bread, and growing winter veggies, so I'm hoping the classes and group support will help me put my day dreams into motion.

Tonight I'm attending the first organizational meeting for volunteers at the My First Home for the Holidays event, sponsored by Just in Time for Foster Youth. JIT was responsible for making sure that all three of the foster kids who've graduated in our family so far had a laptop with printer plus school supplies and a substantial start on furnishing an apartment or dorm room.

So, I'll be staying pretty busy for the next few months, which I think is a good thing. Depression can be really isolating and forcing myself to get out and socialize is a challenge so any motivation that gets me out and in the world is welcome.

Quick update on my health

2011-08-15T16:17:00.000-07:00

I had my three month follow up with my doctor on Friday to go over the results of my lab work. The conversation was very different this time.

Every single test result has improved. My Hemoglobin A1C (measures blood sugar over a three month period) was back in the "good diabetic control" range. My triglycerides are less than 10% of what they were in May. My overall cholesterol has dropped back under 200, and my HDL/LDL ratio is right where it's supposed to be. While my microalbumin test (which checks for protein in the urine, a sign of possible kidney disease) was elevated, it was lower than last time, so I'm taking that as a good sign.

I do, however, need to work to get more exercise in my life. In the last couple of months, I've virtually stopped all walking except the monthly 5Ks, and that just can't continue. My eating has improved in a non-diet way and that's good, but regular, moderate exercise is critical to my continued ability to control my blood sugar, so I have to find a way to fit it back in.

The Help and the Junior League

2011-08-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many of you have read The Help by Kathryn Stockett, but you definitely should. I picked it up in hardback and I NEVER do that any more - I'm completely addicted to reading books and magazines electronically - then I read straight through with only a few breaks. The movie based on the book is coming out tonight and I can't wait to see it, too, but I worry a little about backlash because of the way the Junior League is portrayed in the book (and, presumably, the movie as well).

The story takes place in the 1960s in Jackson, Mississippi, and chronicles the lives of various characters living at that time in that place. Some of those characters are members of the Junior League of Jackson, a real-life community service organization for women that still exists today. The Junior League doesn't come off looking very good in the story: the women who are members are primarily concerned with playing cards and planning their outfits for League fundraising events. While I know there were members of that organization at that time who surely operated on that level, I am equally certain that there were dedicated women of character, even in those turbulent times, who joined the League primarily to serve others in their community. Certainly that purpose is evident today in the community projects showcased on their website, which include assisting with The Children's Cancer Clinic in The University of Mississippi's Medical Center and building homes as part of their local Habitat for Humanity.

I was inspired to write this today because The Association of Junior Leagues International has written a great article that outlines all of the good done - then and now - by its member organizations. For myself, as a member of the Junior League of San Diego, I am proud of the work we do not only with our community projects but also through the training and encouragement we provide to our members to enable them go out and do great things for themselves, their families, and our community. I hope that message isn't lost in the inevitable (and well-deserved) attention The Help will receive this week and beyond.

A follow up to my experience at BlogHer

2011-08-10T07:45:00.000-07:00

I appreciate the feedback on my last post. I should have been more clear that it was started as part of a class I was taking at BlogHer called Essential Blog Content Development, intended to get me past the nasty case of topic and writing in general block I seem to be suffering from lately.

I didn't take any classes nor attend any private parties geared toward making money from this space because that was never my intent in attending BlogHer. What I wanted from the beginning, what I wanted when I pored through the offerings to choose which ones to attend, and what fired my imagination throughout the three-day experience, was to expand my writing capabilities, to bring more of myself - particularly my creative self - to the pages here, and to create content that I can look to with pride knowing that others will take time out of their day to read what I've put out here. Not because I want to make money from what I do here - I don't - but because this is my only outlet that allows me to be truly me.

Many of you have jobs that utilize your creativity in some way; I do not. While I appreciate the job that pays my bills, it is completely logical and methodical with no room for creative expression. I am "good at it" but it's not what I love.

I grew up an only child and I created my own entertainment. I told myself stories in my head about princesses and airplane pilots and sports writers, and I loved to snap photos with my dad's camera, particularly when we were on vacation. (And this was back before you could just click a button to get rid of the pictures that didn't work out.) I kept books with stories and photos or souvenirs pasted in them. No one ever read them except my grandma and my parents but I still loved when they looked at them and remarked on my creativity. I miss that feeling and, some days, when I've had a particularly draining day at work, I wonder if I'll ever feel like an artist (not the right word but I just can't think of another one at the moment) again.

Then I remember what it was like a few years ago when I'd been writing here just a short time. I wrote at least once a day and always seemed to have plenty of material from which to create interesting posts. Yes, they were all about my life but there's writing about what happened to you on a given day and then there's writing about it in a way that's organized and interesting and makes people want to come back to read more. I had hundreds of people reading what I wrote and engaging with me, and each other, to comment and discuss. No one paid me a penny but that experience was worth more than any amount of money because of how it made me feel: I created that thing there, that thing that makes other people that I've never met happy. And I loved it.

So if attending conferences to learn how to craft more interesting posts, including creative ways to write, how to take and choose photos for my blog, and how to film video blog segments that don't look like ransom demands will help me get closer to where I started with this blog, then I'll continue seeking out and attending blog conferences.

Being more engaged with this blog again won't change who I am except to make me a little happier, and you'll never see advertising space on the sidebars of this blog, I promise. If anything, you might see a bit more of me here as I explore what I can do with my brain and with this space.

This is really bad

2011-08-08T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'm at BlogHer and I'm supposed to be writing about my goals for this space, what I want to achieve, who my ideal audience is, and what kind or subject for posts would help me get where I want to go.

But I have no clue about any of that. Which might explain why I haven't written as much lately as I used to.

So what if I started writing about that, about the journey to figure out what I want to write about? Would those of you who are still here want to come here to read my exploration of different writing styles and topics? How about more photos to go with the text? I realized over the last four days that photography used to be a passion of mine but I stopping taking photos some time in high school and never started up again.

And what about you? Who are you? What interests you? What could I write about that would be interesting and worth your time to read?

Share your thoughts in the comments, please.

Why it's good to blog in obscurity OR how I'm preparing for BlogHer '11

2011-08-03T11:55:00.000-07:00

It's funny, I keep reading about how some of my favorite bloggers are making nervous preparations for BlogHer '11 this week in San Diego. I'm attending, too - heck, it's in my hometown and that never happens, so how could I not? - but I'm not really nervous at all. It's not like FitBloggin' which I was nervous about for weeks before because I knew that while I would know and admire most of the attendees, none of them would know me. BlogHer is massive - over 3,000 attendees and sponsors - with lots of "by invitation only" seminars, parties, get-togethers that I will never know about in addition to the three days of official seminars and parties, and I don't know most of the folks who'll be there. There are a few happy exceptions and I'm hoping to see them while I'm at the convention center Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, but for the most part I'm happy to wander from seminar to seminar in my own little bubble of obscurity.

Months ago, when I was still feeling overwhelmed and conflicted about whether or not to actually attend BlogHer, I read a great post (can't find the link now) that emphasized the need to come up with a very specific goal for the conference because it was all too huge and overwhelming, and without a goal it would be very easy to get lost - literally and figuratively. I gave it some thought and realized that the most important thing for me is to learn things that will help me improve this space, my blog. I want to learn everything about creating better content, from coming up with things to write about to better grammar (oops!) to taking better (and more!) photographs to videoblogging best practices (I'm going to guess that "don't vlog from a parking lot all the time" is probably on the list of "no-nos"). When I view all of the available conference activities (and many of the unavailable activities, too), I view them through this lens: will doing this help me improve the content on my blog? If the answer is "no", then I put it out of my mind.

So, no bowling party for me tonight. No Sparklecorn on Friday night. No CheeseburgHer on Saturday night. They will all be fun events, I know, but for me to really focus and get the most out of my time (and money), I have to be focused. Here's my list for BlogHer:

Tomorrow/Thursday is dedicated to Pathfinder Day: My Blog as Life Changer. This is an all-day session and will be followed by Evening at the Expo where I can wander about and see what cool new stuff is available for bloggers while also getting a massage.

Friday starts with a 5K, then moves on to writing, writing, and more writing
Essential Writing and Editing Skills
Essential Blog Content Development Workshop, Parts 1 and 2
Fitbloggin' meetup at Pinkberry

Saturday it's all about spicing things up with some mixed media
Video Blogging U
Lunch and Keynote Address: Exploring Inspiration and Leadership
Hillshire Farm Food Photography and Styling Workshop (no link available)
Mobile Multimedia: Making Media on the Go
Closing Keynote: Women in the Media, Women Making Media
Social Fiesta (because a girl's got to eat and I do so LOVE Mexican food!)
Aiming Low (I think it sounds relaxing and besides, I've got a room downtown on Saturday night, so might as well stay up late, right?)

Sunday morning there's a 5K walk that sounds relaxing. If I see sense and decide that I don't want to wander around all day Friday after a 5K in the morning without a shower (no hotel room that day), then I might just do this instead. We'll see.

And that's it in a nutshell: my BlogHer '11 plan. Look for updates here and on Twitter throughout the rest of the week.http://www.blogher.com/blogher-11?from=menu

I actually DO know

2011-07-22T21:48:00.000-07:00

So yesterday wasn't my best day ever. First I wrote this post about how miserable and unmotivated I felt. Then I got some bad news at work. And I felt horrible and sad, and wanted to cry. But I didn't.

Then I got mad.

Then I decided not to stay mad but to let my anger be the catalyst to make some changes, starting with my mindset.

So today I'm going to write the post I should have written yesterday.

I had a great weekend in Davis with my 19-year-old college student. We went to Ikea. It was her first visit ever and we cleaned up with wonderful items for her new full-size bed.

Then we went to Whole Foods in Sacramento and bought lots of yummy food for her refrigerator, including Blueberry Muffin Larabars (which I cannot get at home). (She would want me to tell you that the boy working at the meat counter was cute and that made the whole experience worthwhile.)

After a quick stop by her apartment to feed Dixie the wonder kitten (she's kitten-sitting for the summer), we zoomed off to the Jelly Belly factory. Did you know they make sugar-free Jelly Belly beans? Nor did I, but they do. And I bought some!

After a quick blast through the Jelly Belly factory, we stopped for dinner/lunch at Rubio's (a little piece of home - San Diego! - for my homesick girl) on our way back to the hotel to change for the Big Event of the weekend: the Davis Moonlight 5K.

I started out feeling really lethargic, probably because of the grilled steak taco I'd had just a few hours earlier, but that feeling passed before we hit the first mile marker and I was striding along as though I hadn't taken a several week hiatus from the treadmill. I think it was having my girl there for company that did it but whatever the cause, I cut a minute from the first mile time to the second mile time and yet another minute off for the third mile. The girl swears it was because we were talking about her brother and how frustrated I am with him. She could be right.

In any case, we finished strong and headed straight over to the New Balance tent. I wanted her to try on the awesome shoes I received at Fitbloggin and they fit her like a glove. After making a note of her size (7.5), we asked the nice New Balance lady to take a post-race picture of us for posterity.

And that's what I should have written about. My life is mostly awesome, I am blessed to have such a wonderful 19-year-old who wants to spend a weekend with me, and not diabetes nor depression can dim that.

I just don't know

2011-07-21T07:39:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking that I could be writing here about what's going on in my life, but I just don't feel like it.

The depression is so very strong right now and has been for weeks, possibly even months. I don't want to do anything except for those moments that I want to do everything all at once, immediately. That's the "gift" of being mildly manic except that it eventually dissolves into frustration and further depression when even limitless ambition and energy are not enough to make the changes I so desperately want and need.

I find no pleasure in my online activities now and, in fact, I find them somewhat draining. Everyone has so much energy and so many great things going on. And I don't.

The diabetes is kicking my butt. I don't want to count my carbs. I don't want to take my blood sugar every few hours. Oh, it's not completely out of control like it was just a few months ago, but it's also not in tight control. It's all just too exhausting and I'm fed up.

So I'm going to take a little break from my online life...at least a couple of weeks. Ironically, I'm registered for BlogHer here in San Diego in a couple of weeks; I'm not sure whether I'll actually attend or not.

Anyway, no Twitter and no blogging for me for a bit and we'll see if the desire to write returns. I haven't been reading blogs for months, so I'm going to go ahead and make that part of my official hiatus, too. If something too exciting for me to miss happens, feel free to drop me a line at lottalatte (at) gmail (dot) com

Thirty-one

2011-07-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like working out today. I had a bad blood sugar experience last night - a super low followed later, in the middle of the night, by a super high - and I am tired. My body feels like it's been run over several times.

But 45 minutes of physical activities really helps manage my blood sugar. I can eat more food without a blood sugar spike on days that I work out. And if I can manage to walk at least 7,000 steps with at least 30 minutes of that being done in my target heart rate zone (as measured with my heart rate monitor) for every day left in July, I'll earn $75 and make it to another level in the pedometer incentive program at work. (I know $75 doesn't sound like much, but it's the principal of the thing. The principal and also a gorgeous pair of tortoiseshell loafers I've been coveting that I could just about buy outright for $75.)

Then there's the thirty-one days that I have until my next blood work.

OK, so I'll take a shower, get dressed in workout clothes, grab some lunch, then head to the Irvine Local Fitbloggin get together for a brief meet and greet - the blood sugar problems nixed my prior plans to go to the Bay Area Local Fitbloggin, darnit! - then come back home via the gym at work where I can do 45 minutes on the treadmill. What could go wrong with a plan as simple as that, right?

Thirty-two days

2011-07-07T17:53:00.000-07:00

I had a great meeting with my Registered Dietician today. We created three different "go-to" breakfast plans for me that I can rotate through that are well-designed for both my diabetes and my high triglycerides.

6" whole wheat tortilla with two Laughing Cow light wedges + homemade skinny latte (with 8oz nonfat milk) + 1/2c mixed berries = 45g carbs, very low fat
2/3c Crispy Brown Rice (gluten free) cereal and 1T slivered almonds sprinkled on 1/2c vanilla organic Greek yogurt with 1/2c mixed berries + homemade skinny latte (8oz nonfat milk) = 46g carbs, low fat
1/2c Egg Beaters (scrambled, with or without veggies) on 1 slice whole wheat bread, toasted and spread with 1 wedge Laughing Cow light + 1c. watermelon + homemade skinny latte (with 8oz nonfat milk) = 45g carbs, very low fat

We also discussed how many changes I've implemented into my life since getting the results of my last blood work and that my upcoming tests should be a much more pleasant experience. That's when she mentioned that while the blood test measures the average of my blood sugars over a three month period that it's heavily weighted toward the most recent results. In other words, she said, the last thirty days before my test will weighted to about 50% of the average I'll see. So if I were to pile up thirty days as close to perfect as I can get, my blood work ought to show tremendous improvement.

I have exactly thirty-two days from tomorrow morning until my next blood test.

Thirty-two days to prove just how much I've learned since the dark day in May when I heard the bad news.

Thirty-two days to get very, very serious about wanting to - and committing to! - live a long, healthy life with my diabetes (instead of dying a very sick diabetic in a precious few years).

I can do this. I can count my carbs and not go over 45g in a meal. I can give up the sneaky snacks I've been guiltily eating in the middle of otherwise healthy days. (Doesn't matter how natural they are, they're still carbs and calories!) I can get 45-60 minutes of moderate exercise most days of the week.

I can't let my diabetes team (primary care physician, endocrinologist/diabetes doctor, diabetes educator, registered dietician) who have poured so much care and concern into me down. I can't let my friends and family who love and support me down. I can't let all of you down. But most importantly, I can't let myself down. I am worth it. I have value. What I do matters. And I won't be here much longer if I don't do this.

Thirty-two days. Bring it on.

UPDATE: My visit with the endocrinologist (diabetes doctor) - another video log

2011-07-02T20:57:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with my new endocrinologist yesterday because my primary care physician prescribed that I visit him. I was pretty nervous going into the appointment because I wasn't sure what he would want or need to do to me, or what new "coming to Jesus" message he might have for me. (I've had a few of those recently, if you recall.)

So good news for a change. More than good news, really - validation that what I'm doing, what I'm trying to do most of the time, anyway, is working. Such relief. And motivation to keep going, to press forward, even to go further then I've been going.

I hit the treadmill at work today. On a Saturday. On a holiday Saturday. And I'd already gone Thursday and Friday, too. I want to do something for at least 30 minutes every day. It's so easy to see how much better my blood sugars are when I make cardio a priority, so let's just do it. Perhaps not EVERY day but as close to every day as I can get it. And it won't always be moderate-to-high intensity...sometimes it might just be a walk with the dog or a bike ride around the neighborhood, and that's OK

Wow, it feels so good to be alive. Today is a good day.

Trying to be clever is exhausting

2011-06-27T16:59:00.001-07:00

I keep reading advice about how to build your blog readership, how to build relationships with brands, how to make your blog easier for search engines to find - you know, that kind of thing. And, while I know that I should pay more attention, I just can't get excited about it.

So imagine my joy when I was reading about a blogger collective organization I was considering joining and finding that they want "positive people" - seriously? Would you trust someone who was supposedly writing about their real life and was uniformly positive? But then I started second guessing myself and wondering if I should try to be more positive in my public life? What if I'm turning off potential readers with my Debbie Downer, depression-fueled whining and self absorption?

And then I remembered why I started writing here, why I still love to come here.

Honesty. And a safe place for introspection.

And that means that if I'm having a tough day, I might write about that here. Or on a day when I'm frustrated that more than one slice of a mini pizza at a time is a thing of the past for me? You will probably hear about it if you drop by to read, as I haven't yet mastered the feat of substituting kale chips and the like for my favorite - and now forbidden - foods.

No, I'm not uniformly positive and I'm probably too old to change that now, so take me as I am. Or not.

Now that I think about it, I'm too old and too unrepentantly fat for that group anyway. Eh...their loss.

Wanting and doing are sometimes very different things

2011-06-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

So, I keep saying that I want to lead a more active and healthy life but then I don't exercise for an entire week. I did take a rather nasty fall on Wednesday at work that left me extremely battered, bruised, and sore, but I could have at least done a lap or two around the building at work, but I didn't.

Still, I did go to Chili's last night for dinner with TCB and the 21 year old (before we bought him several weeks worth of groceries) and chose the Avocado Burger with the black bean patty and whole wheat bun plus I substituted black beans for the standard french fries. Yes, that was probably still way out of my calorie range for dinner but it was far more nutritious than my other choices and I didn't have nearly as much guilt as I would otherwise have had.

While there, the 21 year old and I discussed our plans for the veggie garden this year. It's very late now in terms of planting but we can start with some of the fall/winter crops now plus the soil preparation, so I think I'll just frame it as being really early. (Glass half full, don't you know.)

OK, I need to throw some breakfast together. I'm thinking about a whole wheat tortilla spread with some Laughing Cow light wedges and topped with slices of hard boiled egg and a side of blackberries. I've already had a homemade Cafe au Lait, so just a little something else ought to tide me over until we meet Mummy and Daddy for lunch this afternoon in San Juan Capistrano. Yay for getting to see my parents and I can't wait to see Mummy's face when I hand her the William and Kate tea towel a co-worker was kind enough to purchase for me on his recent honeymoon to the UK!

I don't eat chips often, but when I do

2011-06-25T09:52:00.001-07:00

Before Fitbloggin, I had never tried Popchips. Sure, I'd seen them around - in the vending machine at work, at our on-campus cafe, at Whole Foods - but I hadn't taken the time to give them a try. They were one of the generous sponsors for Fitbloggin and made lots and lots of bags of their chips available throughout the conference, so I gave them a try. And I'm hooked.

Now you guys know that I'm having to re-think my diet pretty much top to bottom, cutting out all fried foods and most white foods, including potatoes, so traditional potato chips are totally out the door. Too many empty calories, too much fat, and, frankly, I hate the greasy feeling my hands have afterwards. Not so with Popchips. At just 100 calories a bag for my very favorite Sea Salt & Vinegar flavor with only 3g of fat (0 g saturated or transfats!) and 16g of carbs (plus 1g of fiber - bonus), I can still fit Popchips into my life as an occasional snack without guilt. (And guilt releases stress hormones which elevate my blood sugar, so I'm on a guilt diet, too.) As you can see in the picture below, even a really good bag of traditional chips comes in at nearly double the calories and contains saturated fat - guilt city. Popchips aren't fried or baked, they're popped, so they contain a lot less fat with all of the flavor of traditional chips.

It's not often that the whole family agrees on anything, but all four of us are now fans of Popchips. TCB loves the Salt and Pepper flavor, Candace (our 19 year old college student) loves Sour Cream and Onion, and Brandon (our 21 year old with brand new apartment) and his roommate love all of them (let's be honest, if it's food, they're all over it) but, when pressed for a favorite, said, "Barbecue," while finishing off a bag of that flavor.

Disclaimer: I was provided with a case of Popchips to review and to share with my family for their thoughts. The opinions I've expressed above are my own and reflect my true feelings. (Heck, I've even bought a few bags from the vending machine at work when I'm unprepared for the 3:00 pm munchies!)

My parents are so proud!

2011-06-24T14:12:00.001-07:00

This is the check I'm about to deposit that I received for writing a post a few months ago about a cause that I truly believe in: supporting and thanking members of our armed services.

I can't fully describe what it feels like to be paid for doing something that I love - that I HAVE loved since I was a little girl. I used to dream of being a writer when I was growing up. Even in college I still held onto the fantasy of making a living as a writer, but that dream was quickly dashed to pieces on the rocks of tough economic times upon graduation (December 1990) and I filed it away under regrets and missed chances.

Then I learned that there were people in the world who kept their journals on the Internet. People like Erin from Lose the Buddha (now closed), Lori from Tales of a Bathroom Scale (now locked), darling Shauna from The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl, Trish from Scale Whore, Taylore from That Thin Bitch (now closed), and Jennette from Pasta Queen, all of whom inspired me to start this online journal and begin writing for fun again. I owe each of them a tremendous debt of gratitude for the gift of helping me find my way back to my dream. And for the $50 check I shall be depositing very shortly.

2011-06-22T08:14:00.000-07:00

I just recorded a new video and now my computer isn't letting me upload it - poop.

Anyway, what I said in the video was that things continue along pretty predictably: I'm angry or sad or accepting, depending on the time of day and my blood sugar. Lately I've been having more problems with my blood sugar and I think it's related to my hormones since TTOM should be coming along any day now.

I also had a little rant about the scarcity of attractive workout gear for obese/morbidly obese folks. Really, who needs to work out more than I do? And yet there are nearly no good options for me to wear to the gym. Exceptions are Nike's plus sized workout wear (available at Nordstrom and Bloomingdale's) and Danskin Plus at Walmart. (None of those are affiliate links, by the way, just sorted to show the plus size options available.) Oh yes, I could just wear an enormous cotton tee shirt which has the double-bonus effect of making me look like a tent (oh, how attractive!) and also gets sopping wet after a workout (love that, don't you?). Anyway, perhaps someone will realize the huge (no pun intended) opportunity to make a lot of money by creating attractive plus size workout wear...hope I live long enough to see it.

Another video blog and some acceptance (I think)

2011-06-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Truly, I have to stop taking video of myself while in the most unflattering light and angles possible - yikes!

Anyway, I'm doing my best to look at testing my blood glucose and calibrating with what I've eaten that day as a scientific experiment and not get emotional about it. It's tough but it seems to be working. I just can't keep beating myself up for every little thing, not just because I'm trying to be kinder to myself but also because stress and frustration raise my blood sugar. (Isn't that a happy little factoid?)

Along the lines of trying to be kinder to myself, I had to take it a little slower than I'd planned last night on the treadmill. I have a training schedule set up for myself in order to get to a 45 minute 5K before Labor Day and that schedule last night said I should be doing 3.3 mph for 25 minutes + 3.6 mph for 5 minutes. I don't know if my body didn't get the message or just didn't care, but it hurt - and not in an "I'm working hard and it feels good" kind of way - when I tried to walk 3.3 mph, so I chose to do 3.0 mph for 30 minutes and 3.3 mph for 5 minutes instead of following the training plan. The difference in calories/sugar burned is just not significant enough to push myself past the edge of pain, so why? Felt great afterward and dinner didn't make me feel yucky, so that's a very good thing, too.

Maybe I'm starting to get into a groove? Man, I hope so.

First video blog and a post-Diabetes Educator update

2011-06-14T13:31:00.000-07:00

OK, I look terrible in this video and I get a little emotional, but this is the first of many to come because I promised my Diabetes Educator that I'd do more journaling about how I'm feeling rather than eating through things.

You might think that things didn't go well at my appointment given the state of me in the video but that really wasn't the case. There was really only one exchange that got me really emotional and it happened when she asked me what my health goal was. I said that I wanted to avoid diabetic complications and she asked me what I thought of when I heard "diabetic complications" to which I replied that it was amputation of limbs, blindness, and kidney failure that I was thinking of.

"Well, good news," she said, "you don't need to worry about any of those because they are only problems at the end of a lifetime of ignoring your diabetes, which we aren't going to let you do."

Before I could breathe a sigh of relief, she continued.

"What you need to worry about is dying from a stroke or heart attack before your next birthday because, with your blood sugar and triglyceride readings from your last blood work, you're heading for one or both if you don't take your medications religiously, continue your daily exercise routine, and change what and how you eat."

*THUD*

That would be the sound of my heart hitting the pit of my stomach.Crap. Seriously, just crap. I'm 43 and she's telling me I'm going to die from a heart attack or stroke pretty much immediately. Crap.

So I was definitely motivated when she gave me information about various diabetes education classes available to me (I'm signed up for all of them), showed me some tips and tricks for testing my blood sugar, and asked me to commit to one change in my lifestyle before our next meeting. My commitment is to check my blood sugar before and two hours after one meal a day, varying which meal I choose, to see how my body is reacting to various foods. She advised me to look at it scientifically, like a lab experiment, instead of getting emotional and upset about the numbers. So I'm doing just that and we'll see what we see. I even found a cool iPad app to help me keep track of my readings and the food I've consumed at the meal I'm testing around.

I'm not perfect but I'm learning that I don't need to be, either. Make a better choice today based on what you've learned since your last meal and you're doing OK is how I'm looking at it. Progress, not perfection.

Progress report

2011-06-13T07:24:00.001-07:00

I have an appointment with the Diabetes Educator at my doctor's clinic this morning. I really need help with meal planning and I'm hoping she can help me, either directly or with a referral to a registered dietitian. I get the exercise part of this, it's the food and stress management part of things that just seem to be beyond my grasp right now.

Speaking of exercise, I finished up the week strong with tough walks on Thursday and Friday after work then a great performance in the Phillip Rivers 5K on Saturday. I've been working since Fitbloggin to improve my walking speed in preparation for the Disneyland 5K over Labor Day weekend due to their requirement that all walkers finish in 48 minutes or less. My finish time for the Fitbloggin 5K was 59:58. My finish time for this weekend's 5K was 52:03. I took almost eight minutes off of my 5K time in three weeks - holy moly! (No wonder I could barely catch my breath at the end of Saturday's event!) This is definitely a step - pun intended - in the right direction.

Is it Friday yet?

2011-06-09T06:59:00.000-07:00

This hasn't been the best week ever for my physical well-being. I'm eating mostly OK but then there are the crappy sweet baked goods (scones, primarily) that keep going into my mouth. I don't seem to want to examine WHY I'm doing that, either, which is upsetting. And I'm not testing my blood sugar, either, because I don't want to see the numbers in case they're high. (I know they have to be high, I can just feel it.) So last week was all about the low blood sugar and now I've swung to the other side and I'm sure it's too high. (Thank goodness I didn't listen to the doctor and discontinue one of my diabetes medications!)

Of course, probably a big part of the change is that I haven't made it on the treadmill at all since last Friday and even then I couldn't walk quickly enough to break a sweat because of how badly my toe hurts. This week I think the toe would have been OK but now work keeps running late enough that I can't hit the gym before I need to go home. So I'm thinking about joining the gym near my house solely to be able to hit the treadmill there at 5:00 am when they open during the week. My thinking is that, if I can get it done early enough in the morning then any other activity I get in during the day is icing on the cake (pardon the sweet reference).

I've turned off the comments and will keep them off until my mood and writing improve - I just need to listen to myself and my thoughts exclusively for a while. Thanks for understanding.

Happy Sunday morning

2011-06-05T07:21:00.000-07:00

I have a fluffy black cat sitting next to me, HGTV on the TV, my husband is getting ready for something-or-other in the bathroom, and there's a mug of hot, strong tea (with lots of milk and sweetener) within arms reach - what more does a girl need?

TCB and I went to watch the Padres last night and brought someone new home with us: Padres Gnomeo! He's (the gnome, not TCB) sitting out on the front porch now, soaking up the San Diego sunshine and keeping scary creatures at bay.

Today's to-do list includes: Salvation Army drop-off at the high school, running by work to drop off the incredible excess of summer squash that came in my CSA box yesterday so that others can have some of the yumminess as well, taking back to Target a few things I'd bought for the turning-19-today year old (she needs the money for a train ticket back to Davis in a week more than she needs the dresses or new quilt for her bed), and running to the Farmers Market to pick up some tasty dessert topping for the strawberries and rasberries I picked up at the store yesterday. Nice busy day and time to get out and get things started.

Adios, amigos!

New look, new focus

2011-06-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

You might notice a few changes around here this morning, but there are more important changes that you might not notice.

Several Fitbloggin sessions made me really think, not just about the blog but also about my life. I've written about wanting to focus more on taking care of myself, loving and honoring my body and what it needs, but I haven't explicitly stated what's become very obvious to me: this isn't - and can't be - about losing weight for me anymore. I've said it to several folks in the last few weeks and it's absolutely true...if I never lost another ounce or inch but just got my diabetes under tight control, that would be "success" for me now.

This blog didn't start out as a "weight loss blog" but it sort of morphed into one pretty early on when I started losing weight, rediscovered my love of writing, and gained a few readers, all at once. And I've felt sort of bound to that theme even as I've flailed and flopped around in terms of diet, exercise, and shrinking my body. Even as I started to feel as though what had originally made me feel happy and accomplished, even "whole", was now too narrow to fit me comfortably. Riffing on the title of this journal, it just wasn't my size anymore.

So I've given the old girl a little face lift. Thanks to Jennette's excellent session, I pruned away a lot of the visual clutter along with the old template which, while I loved its uniqueness and cute factor, just didn't seem to be "me" anymore, either. I kept the original title but added a new tag line which encapsulates the way I'm thinking about food, exercise, and health now...sort of combining the old with the new. (Or at least that's what I'm hoping for.)

Let me know what you think and if you have further suggestions for changes I can make. This place, much like me, will always be a work in progress and feedback is always appreciated.

I am worth it

2011-06-01T21:29:00.000-07:00

Another day of low blood sugar. Another day of no treadmill for me. No beating myself up, though - how would that be honoring my body? - just got on the phone to ask my doctor for advice as well as making an appointment with the diabetes educator for two weeks from now.

There was a moment today when I sighed deeply and longed to be transported back to the blissful ignorance of my existence a month ago, but it was a brief detour because I know that I was killing myself back then and I want to live. Sure, this is lots more work than that was, but good things take work, and living a longer and healthier life is definitely a good thing.

And besides, I'm totally worth it.

Getting the hang of things

2011-06-01T06:58:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I did some research on the cocktail of medications my doctor prescribed after our last get-together. What I found out was pretty sobering.

* I'm on medication for my cholesterol and triglycerides that is reducing the amount of triglyceride that my body can make as well as increasing the elimination of the HUGE amount of triglycerides I had in my blood at my last test. (Wonder how it does that?)

* I'm on a combined medication for my blood sugar that both makes my body more sensitive to insulin (to more efficiently process blood sugar) and reduces the amount of blood sugar my body produces to begin with

* Finally, I'm on yet another medication that stimulates my body to produce more insulin

(Holy moly. So diabetes is all about having too much blood sugar and/or not enough insulin. Now I'm on stuff that will stop my body from producing too much blood sugar, will make it use up the blood sugar it DOES make, and will produce more insulin - which is what actually processes blood sugar. So, um, what's going to happen if I actually follow the doctor's orders to improve the quality and reduce the quantity of what I eat (check!) plus increase the consistency and intensity of my physical exercise (check!)? Won't I be short on blood sugar thus LOW ON ENERGY when I try to exercise?)

Bingo.

So right after I finished looking all of these medications up and figuring out what's going on inside my body, I head over to the gym at work for my daily (at least every work day) walk on the treadmill. I'm increasing speed every few weeks and need to be very consistent with the effort so that I can be ready for the 5K I'm doing in September, so I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, but I'm excited to get in and get going every day. Except I could feel that my body wasn't right even on the short walk from my building over to the building where the gym is. Shaky. Sweaty. Heart racing. Muscles not working quite right.

I'd eaten a good lunch and even a few snacks since then, but nothing with significant carbohydrate content. Yes, I'm trying to be a good diabetic and cut back on carbohydrates because they convert into blood sugar most easily, but given the medications I'm on, I now know that I'm going to have to include some significant source of carbohydrate in my afternoon meal and snack. Or else working out after work...well, it just won't work.

I tried. I really did. I changed clothes, I grabbed a towel, I got on the treadmill and warmed up, and then I punched in the speed I'm targeting for this week. For about two minutes I contemplated pushing through the way I was feeling. The shakiness. The lack of muscle coordination. The panicked feeling as my body frantically tried to tell me that it had no fuel. And then I heard it: the sound of every cell in my body screaming at me to stop abusing them in the name of "better health". I punched the Stop button on the treadmill, told my workout partner that it wasn't going to happen for me that day, and then went to the snack table to grab a Luna bar to eat slowly while I stretched.

The old me would have pushed through. The old me wouldn't have cared how bad my body felt because there were miles per hour and minutes to be walked, and that was how you lost weight...how you made yourself "better". "Healthy" even. I'm sitting here now, crying, as I think about how much self-hatred it takes to put a number on a scale before honoring your body.

How many times in the past did I run or walk or whatever when it hurt? Alternatively, how many times did I sit on my butt doing nothing while my body marinated in a deadly slow cooker of high blood sugar and triglycerides? Even shoveling in more crappy food while I sat and did nothing? When - and how? - did I get so detached from my own body?

I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I need to get a lot better - fast - at staying present and really listening to what my body needs if I'm going to avoid diabetic complications and live a longer life. (And I want to do that. I really, really do!)

Angry

2011-05-31T06:49:00.000-07:00

I'm angry and I'm not comfortable with that, but it's true.

I started walking on the treadmill at work yesterday intending to tune out by watching a favorite TV show while I walked off 300 calories but then someone else walked in and I'd forgotten my headphones. So I was mad at him (for being there) and mad at myself (for forgetting my headphones).

And I started telling myself that I shouldn't be mad, that it would all be OK and that I should choose a better attitude. But then I remembered that I'm supposed to be feeling my emotions without judgment, so I walked and contemplated my anger. And I got more and more angry as I walked.

Here's how things progressed:

* I realized that I'd forgotten my heart rate monitor and I was mad at myself because I wouldn't be able to tell how hard I was working without tuning in to my body. Plus I was losing out on 60 points toward my Virgin Health Miles account

* I started feeling resentful about the fact that I was "forced" to walk 3.3 miles per hour instead of my usual, comfortable 3.0 mph because I'm training for the Disneyland Fun Run 5K. (Don't bug me with the logic of the fact that I chose to sign up for the 5K even after I knew about the speed requirement. NO logic!) Even as the slight pain in my lower back and hips dissipated, my anger just continued to grow

* As I walked and marinated in my anger, the real root of my feelings became apparent: I'm angry because I'm forced to deal with my diabetes again.

I was diagnosed when I was 29 years old - just over 15 years ago! - and made major changes in my life at that time. Strict diet and exercise regimens were imposed overnight without any thought of other options. And I lost 110 pounds in nine months. I even managed to maintain that loss and the lifestyle changes for over a year before it all unraveled. But the truth is that it required constant vigilance and obsession in order for me to keep it going because it wasn't a lifestyle change, it was a diet and exercise regimen. And regimens have a beginning and an end.

But now, after essentially ignoring my diabetes for over a decade, I'm forced to deal with it once again and I know that I can't just go into "command and control" mode because that won't work long-term. So I need to deal with the underlying issues that make me abuse food and gain this huge amount of weight over and over again. And I don't WANT to do that. I don't WANT to feel crappy and cry and question my self worth. I just want to eat and eat and eat until it goes away. And I definitely DO NOT want to walk on a treadmill at 3.3 mph (increasing to 3.6 mph in two more weeks) which makes my body hurt a little bit. I don't WANT even a little bit of discomfort - not mental discomfort, not physical discomfort...NONE.

And, strangely enough, just realizing how angry I was and why...made me a little less angry.

Happiness is in your own hands

2011-05-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

I keep thinking that I need to write the Mother of All Epiphany posts. I keep seeing other bloggers who were at Fitbloggin doing it...shouldn't I? Well, perhaps I should, but I just don't know that I've got it in me right now and I keep not posting at all because I don't have it all processed yet, so let's just write a "how am I doing?" post for now and let it go.

How am I doing? I'm doing pretty well, I think. My flight home on Sunday took a little longer than expected but I made it home safely and I had the next day off, so it worked out just fine.

I've walked on the treadmill for over 30 minutes on six of the last seven days and I'm really proud of that. A big part of taking care of your diabetes is getting enough exercise every day, so that's got to become a lifetime habit for me. And because having a goal is always a good way to keep yourself (or is it just me?) honest, I'm using the upcoming Disneyland Family Fun Run 5K as a reason to start picking up the pace on my walking. You see, because they've got to get all of us out of the parks in time to open them to waiting guests, they have a requirement that all participants maintain a 16 minute per mile or better pace. My normal pace for a 5K is about 20 minutes per mile, so I'll need to speed up significantly if I want to be allowed to finish. And I definitely DO want to be allowed to finish, so I've already started increasing my speed by 10% every three weeks and will continue to do so right through the end of August.

I've been eating well since coming home. Smaller portions of good, nourishing, minimally-processed, organic foods for the most part. When I've eaten out, it's been at places that I know will have whole grain and lean protein options for me. I've started observing how the foods that I eat make me feel, physically, as a prelude to starting on an Intuitive Eating path, and I'm realizing that my body doesn't like a lot of the things that my mind does. Like rich or greasy foods. Like nuts. (Big time bummer.)

About the depression, I still have the odd moment here and there when I beat myself up for being human and flawed, and I even had one of them right in the midst of Fitbloggin, but I think I'm recognizing and stopping that crap a lot faster now, and that's progress. I can't control what life throws at me nor what that might trigger inside my head, but I can start to challenge myself to move beyond my past and create new, healthier habits for the rest of my life.

Two of my favorite products

2011-05-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

I had an unusual (for me) experience last week before I left for Fitbloggin: a representative from Eucerin skin care contacted me and asked if I would be interested in free samples of Everyday Protection SPF15 body lotion and Everyday Protection SPF30 face lotion in return for writing a review about them on my blog.

Now, you guys know that I don't do product reviews as a general practice, but I jumped at the chance to do this one because I use both products on a daily basis and have done for over five years, and I really believe in their efficacy.

I have very pale and very sensitive skin; I get blotchy just thinking about going into the sun. Both the body and face lotions include a good sunscreen, which saves an additional step for me every morning, and they don't have that nasty "Hey, look at me, I'm wearing sunscreen!" smell that always bothers me with traditional sun protection. Additionally, the face lotion is mild/gentle enough that it neither breaks my skin out nor irritates it to the point of redness, both of which are common reactions by my face to other sunscreen-containing products.

As moisturizers, I love that my skin feels soft after I've used both of these products, not greasy, and that they sink in quickly and just leave my skin feeling "normal" afterwards. In the past, I've shied away from moisturizers entirely because they always left my skin feeling coated with a film, but that's never been a problem with these products.

If you'd like to try Eucerin's Everyday Protection SPF30 face lotion for yourself, you can take their pledge on Facebook and they'll mail you a free sample. Or you can just mosey down to the local drug/convenience store and pick p either of these great (in my opinion) products there.

p.s. Yes, that's my real bathroom...please excuse the dust! And the toothbrush. (Why didn't I clean up a little before taking the picture?)

Helpful things to remember for the future

2011-05-21T07:15:00.001-07:00

I'm not the sharpest tool in the garage (what, you don't keep your gardening tools in the garage???) when it comes to remembering hard-learned lessons and I proved that again on Friday.

When I was training for the Tour de Cure, I quickly learned that doing a long training ride on the same day as I'd done a 5K just wasn't going to work for me. I'm sure there are many of you for whom walking 3.1 miles in an hour wouldn't take much out of you but for me it's a lot of work and I'm super tired afterwards. To add 5, 10, 15, or even 20 miles of riding on top of that just didn't work because I had nothing left in my gas tank, so to speak. I'd try to cycle even on a nice, flat route (not many of those, unfortunately) and it was just excruciating. So we planned that if I had a 5K on Saturday that our training ride that weekend would be on Sunday instead.

Fast forward to yesterday and the Fitbloggin 5K. I decided months ago to make this 5K my 5Kfor May and it seemed like a really good idea at the time. What I didn't take into consideration was that I would also need to return my rental car about a mile from the hotel and walk back after the 5K. And that there were lunch and afternoon sessions to attend for the conference. As it happened, I returned the car (after bring stuck in traffic for about 45 to go a mile), got back for lunch so late that seats were scarce, then went to my room to shower but decided to take a "short nap" that ended up lasting three hours. After I woke up, I couldn't figure out what had happened until I remembered the biking experience, and then it all made sense.

Lesson to take away (again): don't schedule anything on the same day as a 5K. And thus ends my sermon for today.

Good food, good fun, and I finally meet Shauna

2011-05-20T02:09:00.001-07:00

I did not eat at McDonald's yesterday. That is such portentous news that I could nearly end my post right there, bit there's more to say.

I wanted to take it easy and have a fun, relaxing morning/early afternoon so that I could be ready for the start of Fitbloggin, so I slept in, did a treadmill walk, then set off for Georgetown. Once in the heart of the city, I knew it would be a good day when a parking space opened up directly in front of me within a block of my target: Georgetown Cupcakes. I had lunch at a lovely Indian restaurant (Chicken Korma with Peas and Potatoes, rice, and bread for $8.95) before standing in line for 5 minutes to purchase a Komen cupcake, nonfat latte, and a cute pink cap (for my head). Once I'd snapped a quick picture, I walked back to my car and took off for Baltimore and Shauna.

Yes, she's just as lovely in person as she is online, in case you were wondering. We had some fun adventures involving taking her to her very first Walmart (airline lost her luggage) and driving through yet another dodgy neighborhood (I swear I don't go out of my way to find them!) before we headed to the Fitbloggin opening reception, which was a lot of fun. I had to leave after a few hours for the 40 minute drive back to my DC hotel for the night.

I have a 5:00 am wake up call already scheduled so that I can get dressed and ready, check out from this hotel, and drive back to Baltimore for the Fitbloggin 5K at 7:00 am.

You take the good, you take the bad

2011-05-18T20:06:00.001-07:00

I had an awesome time being a tourist in the DC Metro area today. God, I love this area!

I wanted to start out with that because it might not sound like I'm enjoying myself from the rest of my post. Food was.pretty crappy again today because I once again let myself get overly hungry/emotionally overwrought before eating. In my defense, I did try to eat immediately after finishing my audio auto tour of Manassas Battlefield, but it was all crappy fast food, so I pressed on thinking I would find better further on my journey. That was a mistake.

Part of my problem is that I don't know where the nice (and not so nice) parts of town are, so I was afraid to get off the freeway (highway?) without knowing where I was. I should have followed my instincts because when I did so - out of desperation born from severe low blood sugar - I ended up having to turn around in front of a housing project after passing the needle exchange site.

When I was able to find places I wanted to eat (Georgetown and Alexandria), I couldn't figure out where you're allowed to park and where you can't. In an out of stare - Florida! - rental car, it didn't seem wise to tempt the parking police and besides, I'm a terrible parallel parker.

So, anyway, crappy McDonald's again today. This time the restaurant flat out told me they didn't serve unsweetened iced tea, so I ordered a diet Coke. They gave me regular Coke. Darnit, I was thirsty and couldn't have more than a quick swallow to take my new cholesterol medicine. (Seemed like a really good idea given my "dinner".)

On the positives side, I got in a 40 minute session on the treadmill before breakfast today. And I slept in. Oh my gosh, I had forgotten how decadent being able to sleep in is. It is something I have missed since we brought Alouysius the Wonder Pug into our lives because I have to be up with him between 5:00 and 5:30 am every morning, so I'm definitely going to enjoy as much as I can.

On that note, I just realized that I will have an hour drive back and forth to Baltimore tomorrow night for the Fitbloggin festivities, to be followed by a 5:00 am departure Friday morning in order to participate in the Fitbloggin 5K. And that I won't be able to check into the hotel in Baltimore until after Friday's sessions, so no shower after a 5K walk. Great, all new stress about how to make friends while smelling like a locker room! (Mostly kidding!)

OK, must run. Sleep is calling my name. TTFN!

Vacation as a catalyst for change

2011-05-18T04:53:00.001-07:00

After a surprisingly pleasant 5-hour flight to Baltimore yesterday, I'm on vacation - yay! I'm hoping that this week away from my normal routine will give me an extra boost to start and solidify some healthy new habits. Like daily exercise. Like preparing snacks for the day that will keep me from mindless hunger and unhealthy eating.

Last night had some good and some less than good elements.

The good: I went to Target to pick up healthy snacks like almonds and baby carrots so that I'll have them while I'm here. I also picked up bottled water but that was designed more to avoid high priced water prides - I always drink water or plain iced tea.

The less than good: I let myself get overly tired and hungry before eating dinner so that I decided to drive through McDonald's to get something quick. My plan was to get a salad and a chicken sandwich, then to use dressing sparingly. What happened instead was that I ordered a hamburger to go with my salad, that the restaurant was out of every dressing except French (yucky!), and I binged on almonds on the way back to the hotel. OK, not the best results.

This morning, after a nice sleep, I've got my workout clothes unpacked and ready so that I can hit the hotel gym before breakfast, then I'm heading off to Bull Run battlefield for the day. I think I'm ready for a better day; I'll report back later.

Fear versus Faith

2011-05-16T12:40:00.001-07:00

I received some seriously bad news today from my doctor at my annual check up. My blood sugar is four times higher than it needs to be, my cholesterol is over 300 (it should be under 200), my triglycerides are sky high, and there is protein in my urine, indicating damage to my kidneys. Damn. Just damn.

It's not as though I wasn't expecting something like this: I'm diabetic and I've been ignoring it for years. It's not as though I haven't faced something similar before: I received much the same news - minus the kidney damage - when I was diagnosed back in 1996. Still and all, though, it knocks you back a bit to actually hear the words, you know?

I've had a few hours to process and I'm doing a little better now. I have to make major changes and I have to make them immediately.

1. Cholesterol medication plus two kinds of oral diabetes medication, daily. Non-negotiable
2. No candy or other sweets. Never
3. No fried foods
4. No simple carbs (white rice, pasta, crackers, bread), substitute whole grain options instead
5. Get some exercise every day

I don't have many good options other than to do as she says, so I'm going to do my best and see where that gets me. I have another appointment with her in three months and that's enough time to make some lasting changes, so we'll see.

In the meantime, I leave for Baltimore in less than 24 hours for the Fitbloggin' conference. Can't really ask for a better setting to encourage better health habits than that, can you?

Shake Hands With a Hero

2011-05-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

Thank you to Procter & Gamble, Kroger and the USO for sponsoring this blog post and the Shake Hands With A Hero initiative. Please click here to learn more about this program. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.

I didn’t grow up with any connection to the military. No one that I knew had served that I was aware of, and it turns out that I was in good company.

Since the end of the Vietnam War (which was the last time the United States used conscription – “the draft” – to staff our armed forces), less than 1% of the families in our country have a family member serving in the military. And that’s OK because those that do serve are there because that’s where they want to be, not because they are being forced to do so. They are proud defenders of the freedoms and way of life that we enjoy as Americans and most of them do so quietly and without fanfare.

In 2005, I met the man who would eventually become my husband. He was a Navy Career Counselor stationed at MCB Camp Pendleton in support of the Navy Corpsmen who serve as medical support for members of the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force. I like to tell people that I was a Marine girlfriend before I was a Navy wife because he dressed like a Marine, had no hair (like a Marine), and worked with a lot of really great Marines.

We had some great times while he was stationed there and met wonderful people who will be lifelong friends, then he received word that his next duty station would be in Yokosuka, Japan aboard a destroyer that spends most of its time forward deployed (not at its home port). We decided that I would stay here while he was gone which meant that he didn’t have anyone to welcome him “home” when the ship returned to Yokosuka after deployments, and that made me really sad.

When Christmas rolled around in the first year he was gone, I decided that I needed to do something to make sure that my husband knew how much all of our friends (and I) appreciated the sacrifice he was making, so I created Operation “All I really want for Christmas” which had every one of my blog readers who were willing to spend $0.42 on a stamp sending my husband Christmas/holiday greetings and thanks for his service. It was a smashing success – he received a ton of cards and was overwhelmed by the number of people he’d never met who were willing to take the time to say “thanks”.

Today you have a chance to do something special to say “thank you” to a random service member you will never meet. Won’t you take a moment now to go to the Honoring our Heroes website to send a virtual handshake to a member of the United States armed services? They serve our country willingly and with honor, and ask for so little in return – please take advantage of this wonderful program. It will cost you nothing and I promise you that the person who receives your handshake will appreciate the effort and your support more than you will ever know.

Stumbling in the darkness

2011-04-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd figured something out about the depression yesterday, possibly glimpsed some light peeking through, but then the darkness descended again and it was worse than before because I'd had that moment of hope.

I went for a few laps around our campus at work with a colleague yesterday morning and I was sure I'd gotten through the worst of the depression. I'd even made plans (with myself) to go and bicycle in the gym at the end of the day. "This is good," I told myself, "I'm really feeling so much better. Wow, depression is awful and I'm glad it's done." Oh yes, I even picked up my workout bag, told everyone I was going to the gym, and walked down the stairs. What a wonderful, beautiful day!

And then, about two steps outside the building, insidious thoughts of my huge, walrus-like self in the cycling jersey I was carrying working out in front of other people with my enormous stomach on disgusting display popped, unbidden, into my head, and that was that. Instead of turning right to walk to the gym, I kept going straight, up the stairs in the parking structure, threw the gear into Minnie, and off I drove for home.

Every insecurity, every crazy fear I've ever had lives on with glory in the land of depression. And it seems sometimes that it's all just there waiting for me to be happy and confident so that it can brutally destroy all of that and leave me questioning whether happiness can ever be real and lasting for me.

Scared of the dark

2011-04-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

Depression sucks the joy out of life. Sometimes it seems to suck even the LIFE out of life. Everything is too hard. Life itself is too hard. And the worst part is that you don't immediately realize that it - depression - is back until it comes to you that it's 9:00 am on a Monday and you're standing in the courtyard outside your front door, crying, because the dog won't go to the bathroom so that you can go to work.

But that little gem is just the culmination of days (maybe even weeks) of craziness. Panic attacks because the house is such a cluttered mess. Blowing up at your husband for a thoughtless comment and screaming, "Why don't you just divorce me, then?" at the top of your lungs, while driving. Deciding that you just can't carry your dirty laundry to the hamper inside the closet and just leaving it on the ground in the bathroom instead. Eating like crap. Not exercising. At all.

Everything piles on and on and on until you are surrounded by darkness. Angry, scary darkness. And you just don't know - or care - how to get better.

But just like when you were five years old and scared to be alone in your room in the dark, the way to get through the darkness is to turn on a light. For five year old me that took the form of an awesome night light in my room. At forty-three the solution isn't as obvious and the stakes are so much higher.

2011-04-14T17:54:00.001-07:00

Things that made me happy today:
1. My Pug
2. Training for customer support activities tomorrow (Friday), Sunday, and Monday - we really do love our customers! :-)

3. TCB singing "YMCA" to the Pug as he (the Pug, not the husband) jogged on his treadmill

4. Leftover Lemon Cheesecake in the fridge from our anniversary yesterday (four whole years, believe it or not)

5. Talking to Mummy on the phone this morning (love our daily conversations)

Depression is a real bitch so focusing on what's good in my life is a great (non-drug) way to fight it.

2011-04-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

I've been doing pretty well with my "exercise 30 minutes, 5 days a week" intention - I got it done 4 days last week and that's 4 more days than the week before. That, my friends, is progress.

Saturday started off a great weekend with a visit to the local farmers market to pick up our CSA box. In our box this week was: kale, chard, beets, rainbow carrots, broccoli, a lovely head of lettuce, and some pea sprouts. So far we've just had the broccoli, steamed, with some yummy salmon and orzo salad, but I've big plans for the chard (wilted with onion and garlic, then tossed with vinegar), carrots (chopped up for snacking while at work), and beets (cook with a little vinegar then chuck them into a salad with the lettuce and sprouts. I found an interesting recipe for kale and prosciutto casserole that might need to be attempted this weekend, too.

Sunday included an hour/15 miles of bike riding followed by a walk to a local Greek restaurant for lunch. We were lucky that the weather allowed us to sit outside while we ate, for the first time in quite a while. TCB and I talked while we ate and relaxed, and it was wonderful. Finally, I finished up the day with a visit to my (poor, neglected) plot at the community garden and was pleasantly surprised by what I found. Yes, most things have dried up and withered, but my strawberry plant is still there as is the African Blue Basil (now about four feet wide and just about as tall), two little chard plants that have sprung from nowhere, my parsley, the dwarf lime and clementine trees (complete with baby limes and clementines!), and nearly all of the flower garden (picture below is from last Spring when we planted it).

I'm ready to get back into the garden. Started last night, as a matter of fact, with a nice session of weeding and pruning (dear God, how the sweet peas have taken over everything!). Still more weeding needs to be done as well as spraying the gypsum stuff TCB bought last year to try to help with all of the clay in the soil. (Or is it the soil in my clay? Not sure.) Probably need another few bags of soil, too, but we might be OK with just turning everything over really deeply and then fertilizing. This year I'm going to go a little smaller, though, and not try to cultivate 500 different plants which gets a little overwhelming. Much like other parts of my life, I think moderation will probably be the key to success for my veggie, fruit, and flower garden, too.

What I'm willing to do / Making changes

2011-04-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

So it's not exactly the day after my last post, but at least I'm back, right? Here's what I'm willing to commit to in order to start making positive changes in my life: I will get at least 30 minutes of exercise, 5 days a week. I'm off to a good start, having taken 30 minute walks on each of the first three days of this week. I have my biking stuff with me so I could go to the gym at work and do a 30 minute bike workout, but I'm not sure about that yet. I know it's a super small step but it's a step in the right direction and for now that's going to have to be enough.

Why do I want to lose weight/eat better?

2011-04-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

1. So that my back and hips don't hurt after (and sometimes while) I exercise
2. So that I can avoid diabetic complications
3. To make riding up hills on my bike easier

Finished a 5K yesterday and posted a personal best. I really pushed myself during the event itself plus I had to park about a mile away, so it ended up being a little over 5 miles of walking for me - yay. Couldn't help thinking how much easier it would have been if there had been less of me to carry along.

Tomorrow I'll post what I'm willing to do at this point to get back on track for eating and fitness goals. No comments enabled for now - comments on the last post from most people were really encouraging but there were a few nasty ones, so I think I'll just keep myself focused on the positive for now.

What will it take?

2011-03-29T17:57:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here in forever. I haven't been doing any of the healthy things I want to and have pledged to do in 2011. My stress level is high and growing. I am not eating properly or exercising enough to deal with my diabetes. I have skipped the last two weeks of workouts including the training for my 30 mile Tour de Cure bike ride coming up in about five weeks. I keep telling myself I'm going to make a change, recommit myself, do SOMETHING for God's sake to right this ship and stop killing myself with a knife and fork day by day. But nothing changes. Nothing. Will I make the changes if I get bad news at my upcoming annual check-up? The terrible back pain after a seven hour car ride over the weekend wasn't enough. Having trouble catching my breath after a flight of stairs isn't enough. What will it take for me to put my health and my future ahead of my desire to eat crap while lying around doing absolutely nothing???

The 5K schedule is filling up PLUS I'm making progress at training for 30 mile bike ride

2011-03-09T16:41:00.000-08:00

I've just registered for the Disneyland 5K in September. I was reticent about signing up because they have a pacing requirement that you be able to maintain a 16 minute mile, and I'm doing something closer to 20 minute miles at this point. However, with encouragement and participation from the same folks that are making my crazy idea of riding a bicycle 30 miles to cure diabetes a reality, I'm convinced I can do it. To cement that resolve, I've registered AND booked a non-refundable hotel room at Disneyland. In for a penny, in for a pound, right?

Speaking of crazy, my training for the 30 mile Tour de Cure bike ride on May 7 continues. Sunday afternoon featured a 13 mile ride in some pretty cold/blustery conditions. This week the schedule says 13.5 (last week's was only supposed to be 12 miles), but the weather is supposed to be warm and sunny, so that will be nice. My backside hurts almost the entire time, even with padded bike shorts, but I suppose that's to be expected when you're morbidly obese and sit your big backside on a little, tiny bike seat.

And then there are times when I stop - mentally, not physically - in wonderment as I realize that I am challenging my own ideas about what I am capable of when I'm fat. I've always challenged myself physically as part of a weight loss effort or when trying to maintain a loss, but I've never managed to push myself while not dieting. I've been saying for a while now that what I really want is to lead an active lifestyle, to be active physically, and that's what I'm doing. Fat and all. Not because I want to lose weight or because I'm punishing myself for being fat, just because I want to see what I'm capable of and maybe, just maybe, to make others who judge fat people as being lazy stop and re-think their prejudices. (And maybe I'm in that category, too.)

March check-in on 2011 intentions

2011-03-06T20:09:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am really slacking on my journaling, aren't I? I have been busy, so that's a good thing, and I'm giving my life a lot of thought, which is probably a good thing, too, but I really ought to be here more if only to document the craziness of my training for the Tour de Cure bike event. I need to make more of an effort. In the meantime, though, let me at least write an update to my 2011 intentions.

Sign up for at least one active event per month (fostering a stronger connection to my body).
Properly plant and properly care for at least two vegetable plants in my community garden plot (strengthening my connection to the Earth).
Find time to meditate and/or do yoga for at least 15 minutes once a week (connecting with my body and spirit).

For #1, I just completed my March 5K, Finish Chelsea's Run. It was a little crazy in that I showed up 30 minutes late, had to park a mile away, was told I couldn't participate then allowed to walk the route backwards only if I could make it to the end of the freeway closure in 30 minutes (I did), and had to figure out the (backward) route by asking random event participants which way they'd run when they'd come through (forward) earlier. Crazy. But I finished. I also continue to train for the 30 mile Tour de Cure event. This weekend included not only the aforementioned 5K but also a 13 mile bike ride. Sore backside? Sure, but I keep on rolling.

For #2, I did buy two plants (broccoli and cabbage) but I never planted them. They seem to be doing OK in their little, plastic pots out on the front porch, though, so I guess there's that. I really do need to get them in a much bigger pot and throw fertilizer at them as well. Next weekend.

For #3, I was doing really well until this past week when I missed my 7:00 am spin and yoga class. I missed it because of changes in my weekday morning schedule that didn't get me out of the house in time and I'm not sure if I can adapt to fit it back in or not. I am looking forward to getting back into my Monday night Gentle Yoga class at the start of the next 8-week session (not this Monday but the next) and I know I can use that time to connect and reintegrate.

In short, some things are going well and others are not. I really do feel that I'm making a good go at living an active lifestyle although there's definitely lots of room to improve. While I continue to be frustrated by my emotional eating, at least I'm adding more vegetables to my diet and that can't be a bad thing.

I don't know what else to say so I'll close. Add your thoughts to the Comments or an email.

A fork in the road

2011-02-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

It was as I was starting up the loathsome hill directly in front of the office for the fifth and final time this afternoon that it hit me: I need to either get serious about riding 30 miles on a bicycle on May 7th or I need to stop wasting everyone's time. Let me explain.

I am 80 pounds from being in the overweight category. While I have been extremely active physically since the beginning of the year, I have not modified my eating at all. In fact, if anything, my eating has gotten worse since I started working out regularly. Little or not vegetables, lots of crappy fried foods, and huge portions far beyond what I need. And I've been telling others (and myself) that I'm not going to restrict what I eat, just add more fruit and vegetables, but that's not true and I know it even as I say it.

The thing is, I really want to see this ride through, and I realized as I cranked my tired legs up that hill again that I might not be able to do that at my current weight. It's bad enough training to ride 30 miles on a bike without having to worry about 80-100 pounds of extra weight coming along for the ride, too. And the food makes me feel like crap, too. Not mentally (although that's true, too) but physically like crap. I'm working out about 300 minutes a week and not just easy workouts but some challenges, too (like that damned hill), and I'm feeding my body crap.

This isn't about looking better or fitting into a smaller size, this is about properly fueling the active lifestyle I'm living as well as making my rides a little easier by having less of me to push up those hills. I'm not talking about counting or cutting calories, but I know how to eat better: more veggies, stop with the fried foods, don't eat until I'm full, and drink more water than soda or tea.

I want to finish my 30 mile ride and then I want to do a 50 mile ride in November. The big question, though, is whether I want it more than I want to continue to soothe myself with food.

The Wall

2011-02-18T05:52:00.000-08:00

Somewhere after I rode 6-1/2 miles on the same day as I walked a 5K, I hit the wall. No, there was no car accident involved, that's just what athletes say happens when you push yourself beyond your breaking point. You push and push and push, and then suddenly the effort of it all hits you and you have nothing left For me, it meant that I was standing in the bike store, trying to decide on a new road/commuter hybrid bike with which to continue my training for the 30 mile Tour de Cure in May, when suddenly I was having trouble forming words and couldn't think about anything except getting home to collapse on the sofa or bed.

I have been working out 5-6 days a week, 30-45 minutes a day, for four weeks, but this week I've stopped completely. Nothing. Probably would have been smarter to just do less, but my body doesn't want to do that...it wants to do nothing. Work has been tough for months and it's culminating in the last week and this one, so it all just became too much.

And so I'm taking it very easy physically and mentally this week, but I'll be back at it tomorrow (Saturday) and I have a 9 mile training ride on Sunday, so there's that to look forward to as well. I really need to eat better, too, but I'm giving myself permission to eat what I want as long as I'm keeping active. I'm not trying to lose weight, I'm creating a healthier life for myself and the exercise is a good first step.

Checking in with my intentions for 2011

2011-02-05T09:33:00.000-08:00

Back on January 1st, I declared four intentions for myself to help me feel more connected in 2011. Those intentions were:

Sign up for at least one active event per month (fostering a stronger connection to my body).
Properly plant and properly care for at least two vegetable plants in my community garden plot (strengthening my connection to the Earth).
Find time to meditate and/or do yoga for at least 15 minutes once a week (connecting with my body and spirit).
Attend a local church that both TCB and I can be comfortable with at least once a month (strengthening my connection with God, with my spirit, and the opportunity to connect with new friends).

So, how have I been doing so far?

Well, the list of 5K events I will participate in from now through June is on the right navigation bar, so we're halfway there. I finished the first event in January with a time of 65 minutes, 7 seconds, so that's the time to improve upon for me going forward. It was rocky, hilly, and miserable, and I finished it, so that's good enough for me. The next event is next Sunday and I'll be participating with Al the Wonder Pug and TCB, so fun should be had by all.

Nothing has been planted in the garden yet but I do have a new calendar that lists what you should plant by month, so I know that I can go to the garden center today and pick up broccoli, cabbage, and cauliflower for the pots out in front of the house. Next month it's just cabbage, so I really do need to get out and get motivated or else I'll be looking for recipes to use up a bunch of cabbage.

I am taking a Recovery (spin) Ride and Yoga/Stretch class at the gym at work every Friday morning at 7:00 am. I cannot tell you how proud I am of myself to get out and get at it early on a Friday morning! Between the 30 minutes of riding when I go deep into myself to find the stamina for the "hill climbing" and the 30 minutes of yoga or stretch (we alternate by week) when I use my breath to relax and go deeper into the pose or stretch, I think I'm doing pretty well with this intention.

The last intention is proving the toughest and I think I know why. It feels like I'm trying to force a relationship with a particular house of worship rather than focusing on my relationship with God. You don't have to go to church to find God, He dwells inside everyone (according to my beliefs), so I'm going to drop this intention from the list and instead add the intention of using my time in #3 to communicate and strengthen my connection to God.

Work is still insane but I'm so lucky to have the wonderful job that I do and this busyness is finite; it will end. I try to read blogs but I'm not able to with any regularity, so I apologize. I hope you are all well and I'll check back here when I'm able and when I have something to report.

p.s. Training for the Tour de Cure 30 mile bike ride in May is coming along nicely. We currently bike (spin) for 30-45 minutes, 4 times a week in the gym at work and my legs are doing fine. (My backside is a different story, but we'll just skip that, shall we?) If you'd like to make a contribution to the American Diabetes Association on my behalf to support their efforts to educate and find a cure for this terrible disease (which I happen to have), I'd be honored.

Holy cats - where have I been?

2011-01-26T10:19:00.000-08:00

I had no intention of going MIA for three weeks, honestly. Work this time of year is just insane and I'm lucky to retain my sanity for the weeks between Christmas and mid-February, but I've got a few seconds to myself, so here's what I've been doing lately.

In spite of the insanity, I've kept my New Year's commitment to increase my exercise. At this point, I have a 60 minute weight loss workout class on Tuesday afternoons, 40 minutes of spinning both Wednesday and Thursday nights, and 30 minutes of spin followed by 30 minutes of yoga or stretching on Friday mornings. Next week we'll up the Wednesday and Thursday time to 45 minutes and to 50 minutes the week following along with adding a "long ride" one day on the weekend. (For the first weekend it's "only" 7.5 miles on a Saturday.) Remember, if you'd like to support me in my 30 mile ride to help cure Diabetes, you can go here to donate. I'm participating in the Lake Hodges 5K Trail Run this weekend, so lots of activity going on.

TCB officially starts his new job (after being unemployed for exactly four months) on Monday, and that's a good thing. It's not his dream job but it's a job and it's for a term of two years, which is a good amount of time. While we've gotten used to having him available during the day, it will be good for him to get back out into the work force, so I'm happy.

Finally, we bought a new car this weekend. Esme the Escape just turned over 100,000 miles and has sprung a mysterious but prodigious oil leak. The resale value on a car with more than 100,000 miles is next to nothing and it will cost a lot of money to find and then repair the oil leak, so we decided to spend money on a new car instead. Meet my new best friend in the whole world, Minnie:

I love her so much! She has two sunroofs - one for the front seat and one for the back - and is just the zippiest car ever. It's weird getting used to being so low to the ground after driving a SUV all this time, but I'm enjoying the transition.

OK, I need to prepare for another meeting, so I'm out, but drop me a line in the comments to let me know how your lives are going. (Yes, not really doing a lot of blog reading during this time, either.)

How am I doing?

2011-01-08T08:56:00.001-08:00

Well, since last I was here, three work colleagues and I started our training program for the diabetes Tour de Cure. Both Thursday and Friday, we cycled on the spin bicycles in the gym at work and WOW did it hurt. Not my legs or back or any of that...no, it's just my gluteus maximus that was in agony. Good LORD that seat is tiny and hard! Fortunately my own bike that I'll be using for the event and all of our long rides is a very comfortable ride and has a wide, supportive seat, so at least I don't have to worry about riding 30 miles on a stone. Anyway, it's been painful but very do-able and I managed to do 17 miles between the two days without a tremendous amount of effort.

Additionally, I've joined the Eat. Live. Be. For a Better 2011 support group on Facebook to help me keep focused on and motivated by my intentions to live a healthier, more connected life this year. Specifically, my stated goals for that challenge are to exercise for at least 30 minutes on 5 days a week plus eat fruit or vegetables with every meal. They're good, simple, achievable goals, so we'll see how I do. So far, so good.

OK, I need to run out to pick up our CSA box at the farmers market - see you later.